Bully Prevention

By Melanie Patten, The Canadian Press

HALIFAX — The video on YouTube shows a pretty Nova Scotia teenager strumming her guitar and singing softly to her online audience. 

She is, by all appearances, a confident and talented high schooler. It’s not obvious by watching Jenna Bowers-Bryanton play her song that she is a young girl battling depression. 

And there’s no trace of a girl who, at the age of 15, chose to take her own life after months of being bullied. 

Pam Murchison, Jenna’s mother, says the torment by her daughter’s peers happened at school in Truro. But she says the harassment through text messages and cruel comments posted online was especially troublesome. 

“They told her she might as well kill herself, she was no good, she couldn’t sing, she was ugly,” Murchison recalls. “Anything that you would do to chip away at a person’s self-esteem, they did it. 

“I believe in my heart, and nobody can tell me any different, that it was the bullying that pushed her over the edge.” 

Since Jenna’s death last January, Murchison has dedicated herself to speaking out against bullying and, in particular, cyber-bullying — a problem that advocates and experts say is all too common in this digital age, yet still needs awareness and action. 

“If I can save one kid or one parent from going through what I’ve been going through, then it’s going to be worth it,” says Murchison. 

Shaheen Shariff, a Montreal-based expert on law and policy relating to cyber-bullying, says protecting victims from harassment has to start early, before children grow up to be bullies. 

Part of that, she says, is teaching youth about empathy. 

“(Bullying is) grounded in societal norms that especially now encourage so much competition,” says Shariff, an associate professor in the department of integrated studies in education at McGill University. 

“There’s a lot of putting down of people and laughing at people at their expense. There’s a devaluing of humanity.” 

Last week, with Shariff’s expertise, McGill launched a website that aims to clarify the lines between cyber-bullying and socially responsible online behaviour. 

Definetheline.ca, which includes information for young people, parents, teachers and policy makers, features videos dramatizing just how quickly vicious rumours can spread and how even the smallest lies can lead to bullying, name-calling and alienation. 

The interactive site also delves into legal issues. Can teasing be considered criminal harassment? When does spreading rumours or posting demeaning photos online become cyber-libel? 

Shariff says criminal charges can be laid in some cyber-bullying cases if there is a perceived intent to harm, but it remains rare. 

“We’re still waiting for direction from the courts on many issues,” says Shariff. 

Most cyber-bullying cases, she notes, are often settled out of court. 

“I think that’s partly because the courts are reluctant to hear them because they don’t want to open the floodgates to litigation.” 

Shariff says another part of the problem is that victims of bullying are often too fearful of retribution to come forward unless they can remain anonymous. Some victims also believe that nothing can be done about the problem, so they resign themselves to being picked on. 

Murchison says she knew Jenna was being bullied, but her daughter was reluctant to disclose details. Even when it got so bad that Murchison pulled Jenna from school for the remainder of a semester, her daughter insisted the issue be left alone. 

Shariff says schools also need to stand up for students and let them know their problems will be heard and taken seriously. 

“From my research, I’ve seen a pattern where a lot of schools are more concerned about their reputation and sweeping it under the rug,” she says. “Kids need to know they’re going to be protected.” 

Earlier this year, the Nova Scotia government announced it would set up a special task force on cyber-bullying in the wake of Jenna’s death. The government said it was also responding to the suicide of a 17-year-old girl from Parrsboro, N.S., whose parents said was also bullied at school and online. 

“We’re not naive enough to think that we’re going to solve this, but we hope that what will come out of it is some recognition that (cyber-bullying) is societal — that everyone has a role to play,” says Rosalind Penfound, deputy minister of education. 

Teachers, police, parents and mental health professionals will participate in the study group, which will be headed by Wayne MacKay, a human rights expert and law professor at Dalhousie University in Halifax.

 Focus groups will also be held to seek input from young people. 

It’s expected the task force will look at strengthening provincial and school policies around online bullying and at the possibility of legislation. 

As the study group does its work, Murchison says she will continue to do hers.

She has already done countless media interviews on the subject. And every so often, Murchison takes time off from her job as a correctional officer to address students at schools and tell them Jenna’s story.

It’s not easy to talk about her daughter, but Murchison believes Jenna deserves at least that much.

“It’s been hell the last four months,” she says. “But I just can’t lose her for nothing.”

Were you bullied at school as a child? If so, learning that your own child has been bullied may generate a groundswell of feeling that you have a hard time controlling. Even if you were never a target yourself, you may feel angry, vulnerable, frustrated, helpless and overwhelmed. It can be hard to control these feelings.

Does it matter if you control your own feelings about this matter? It does. “Taking over the room” emotionally – dominating the room with your own feelings – puts you in the center and takes focus away from your child. Thinking and controlling your emotional reactions, on the other hand, can help your child resolve hers, too.

So how can you help yourself resolve your own feelings? What will make you feel better?

The first rule is to make sure, before becoming upset, that you’re dealing with a genuine bullying episode. Many episodes of meanness between children involve brief, transient, and less serious behaviors. Sometimes your child may be suffering from inadvertent meanness – such as when they’re not invited to a friend’s birthday party. It can be helpful not to over interpret these kinds of events. However popular your child is, I can promise you that there will be birthday parties that he or she won’t be invited to. Try not to take it personally when this happens. Most children simply cannot invite the entire third grade to their party, or even every one of their friends!

Another important thing to remember is that children tend to call everything “bullying.” They’ve picked up on the fact that adults sit up and panic when that word is uttered, and they know that this is a great way to get your attention. Is the incident a repeated, targeted, intentional attack from a more powerful child? If so, it could be bullying – but if it’s one-time, accidental, or not from a more powerful child, then generally it isn’t bullying. It’s still a problem, but a different kind of problem.

It’s also useful to remember that however much the incident is impacting YOU emotionally, it may not be impacting your child the same way. In our research, we’ve found that more than 20 percent of incidents are classified by victims as not upsetting at all, or as only very mildly upsetting. The key is to make sure that you have every single fact straight, and to ask how your child feels about what happened.

All right, so you’ve spoken with length with your child and you feel sure that this is truly a bullying situation. Now comes a hard part: being sympathetic and sensitive with your child, while not escalating the emotional temperature of the incident. Ranting and raving about the unfairness of it all will only make your child sorry that they told you. But taking them on your lap or in your arms for a cuddle and a long talk will help both of you handle it better emotionally.

Pontiac Boy May Lose Eye Thanks To BB Gun Bully: MyFoxDETROIT.com

16-year-old bully shot an 8-year-old boy in the eye with a pellet gun, and the child may not fully regain his sight, police said.

According to Pontiac police, the teenager and a group of friends were bullying younger neighborhood children on Monday by forcing them to do push-ups and other exercises. They forced the 8-year-old off his bicycle and when he tried to flee, the 16-year-old shot him in the eye. Police said one of the other teens, also 16, shot an 11-year-old boy in the leg with another pellet gun.

The teen accused of shooting the 8-year-old was charged with assault with intent to maim and assault and battery and was being held at Oakland County Children’s Village, The Oakland Press and the Detroit Free Press reported. He’s due back in court May 20.

“It’s horrid,” said Pontiac police Chief Wendy Reyes. “How do you think it’s OK to shoot someone in the eye?”

The other teen was charged with assault and battery and was released to his grandparents’ custody under house arrest. He’s due in court May 23.

Police said the pellet lodged in the 8-year-old boy’s eye, and doctors didn’t know whether he would regain sight in the eye.

WAUPUN — Police are investigating a bullying incident last week that drove a Waupun teen to attempt to set himself on fire in a school bathroom.

According to interim Superintendent Don Childs, a male middle school student entered Waupun Area Jr./Sr. High School on April 25 with a water bottle filled with gasoline. The teen allegedly doused himself with gasoline in a school bathroom around 11 a.m., with the intention of setting himself on fire, he said.

Childs said the teen came to the school office smelling of gasoline and told school officials what he had done.

“It was a premeditated act on his part. He told staff he didn’t want to kill himself, but had wanted to hurt himself. Fortunately, he was unsuccessful in trying to ignite himself,” Childs said.

The teen, who is currently hospitalized, told staff he was a victim of bullying by classmates. While the school has anti-bullying programs in place, Childs said the bullying incidents may have happened outside of school.

“It’s not to say that he wasn’t being bullied inside school. But sometimes what happens outside of the school day is very often out of our control,” Childs said. “We do, however, have the names of students who were singling him out and picking on him.”

Childs said that school Police Liaison Officer Patti Toll is investigating the incident.

“As soon as they land on who these individuals are, you can be sure that anything that can be attributed to them is going to be dealt with in a disciplinarian fashion with the parents being involved,” he said.

Waupun Deputy Police Chief Mindy Hendricks said the investigation is ongoing and no charges or referrals have been made.

“Depending on what we find out, there could be disciplinary measures taken at school or a referral for charges could be forwarded to Juvenile Services,” Hendricks said.

In addition to drug and alcohol abuse education, Hendricks said anti-bullying messages are stressed by Toll to the student population.

“(Toll) has taken a strong stance against bullying in schools and tries to make students aware of the effects it can have on the victim,” Hendricks said. “A bully may say something to one kid and the words roll right off their back. But to another kid — with issues going on in his life — may not be able to handle that. Oftentimes the bullies don’t know the difference between the two.”

Childs said access to online media sites like Facebook and texting has elevated bullying to a whole new level — especially at the middle school where social hierarchy is of great importance to students. He is unsure whether cyber-bullying was involved in the April 25 incident.

“While bullying is nothing new, unfortunately it’s taken on an even uglier turn than we’ve seen before simply because of the 24/7 nature of access to the internet,” Childs said. “And another part of the problem is that the role modeling of adults around these (bullies) is less than stellar.

“We see a lot of adult behavior that’s built on incivility rather than trying to solve our differences,” he said. “And as long as that’s the case, I’m afraid the kind of bullying that occurs is going to continue to be pretty damaging.”

Kid’s Doctor

Bullying isn’t just about emotional and physical taunts and pushes – it can lead to other serious health issues and also be an indicator of a dangerous home life.

Children who are bullied, or who bully others, or who are bullies and victims of being bullied are at a greater risk for a broad range of health issues including family violence, and intentional self-harm, according to a new U.S. study.

In a survey of 5,807 middle-school and high-school students from almost 138 Massachusetts public schools, researchers found that those involved in bullying in any way are more likely to contemplate suicide and engage in self-harm, compared to other students.

Children who are bullies are more likely to suffer abuse from a family member, or witness to home violence, compared to other students who were not bullies or victims.

A bully is defined as a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people. In schools it is defined also as repeatedly teasing, hitting, threatening, kicking or excluding other students. Social media has also become a weapon used against others by bullies.

After adjusting for other factors, the odds ratio of a middle school student being physically hurt by a family member, for example, was 2.9 for victims of bullying, 4.4 for bullies, and 5.0 for those who were both bullies and victims, compared to other students. The odds ratio for witnessing violence at home was, respectively, 2.6, 2.9, and 3.9.

The odds ratio for a high school student to be physically hurt by a family member was 2.8 for victims, 3.8 for bullies, and 5.4 for bully-victims, compared to students who were not involved in bullying; for witnessing violence at home, the odds ratio for high school students was 2.3, 2.7 and 6.8, respectively.

Previous research has linked bullying with poor grades, substance use and mental health issues. This report concludes that the health risks and home environment for teens involved in bullying are much worse than for kids who have no experience with bullying.

“The results underscore the importance of primary prevention programs, as well as comprehensive programs and strategies that involve families,” researchers from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.

A successful prevention program should include school officials, staff members, students and parents, with access to health and mental health services an essential component, they added, while noting that classroom programs alone are ineffective.

The findings are published in the April 22 issue of the CDC’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report.

The statistics revealed by the study are not surprising in today’s hyper society, but are very different from 20 years ago. More population in the schools, media glorification on television and in the movies, plus new media tools boost the opportunities children have to bully as well as present a different interpretation of what is considered acceptable behavior by children and young adults.

Of the students surveyed, middle school students (44 percent) were more likely than high school students (30.5 percent) to have some involvement in bullying.

Researchers found that 26.8 percent of middle-school students reported being bullied compared to 15.6 percent of high-school students. But fewer middle-school students (7.5 percent) than high-school students (8.4 percent) reported being bullies themselves.

In both age ranges, more males than females admitted to bullying, and more females said they were victims than males.

Among high school students, 6.5 percent reported being bully-victims. A little less than 10 percent of middle school students said they were bully-victims. Health risks were greater for bully-victims than for those who saw themselves as just bullies or just victims, the report said.

The majority of students in both age ranges — 56 percent of middle school students and 69.5 percent of high school students — said they were neither bullies nor victims.

The researchers cited several limitations in the study, including a low response rate and its reliance on self-reporting. Recall is not always accurate and may be subject to bias, experts say.

The CDC has launched a program, Striving to Reduce Youth Violence Everywhere, to help communities promote safe environments for students.

A survey of teachers has suggested that girls’ behavior in the classroom is worse now than five years ago.

According to a poll by the Association of  Teachers and Lecturers, a fifth believe girls are now more difficult than boys.

Almost half thought the behaviour of girls had deteriorated over the past five years, with nearly as many saying it had got worse in the past two years.

In comparison, 43 per cent said boys’ behaviour had declined in two years.

The poll of more than 800 teachers found boys were more likely to be disrespectful and verbally and physically aggressive and girls were more likely to be bullies.

Four times as many teachers had seen girls bullying than boys, making snide comments or leaving a fellow pupil out.

“Girls are often sneakier. They often say nasty things which end up disrupting the lesson just as much as the boys,” the Daily Express quoted one primary teacher as saying.

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Researchers at a new University at Buffalo national research center say the United States lags behind in the struggle to address and prevent bullying, and have begun to detail how to help victims and stop what they call “child abuse by children.”

“Bullying is a serious issue,” says Janice DeLucia-Waack, program director for the School Counseling Graduate Program in UB’s Graduate School of Education and on the advisory board for the university’s Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying, Abuse and School Violence. “And we are behind other countries.”

A video interview with DeLucia-Waack is available here.

“For a long time in this country it has been just kids being kids, and (an assumption) that this bullying did not have long-term consequences,” says DeLucia-Waack. “But we’ve started to look at research in other countries and see that it does. Then we started to collect data in more recent years that has shown that there truly are serious long-term consequences.”

Bullying — an issue NBC network news has called a “national epidemic” and the object of an ongoing White House anti-bullying campaign after President Obama said he was bullied as a child for his “large ears and funny name” — will be the top priority in UB’s Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying, Abuse and School Violence.

The Alberti Center has named a new director, who will begin work at UB on July 15. DeLucia-Waack was a member of the search committee, and has co-authored a story on the best ways to combat bullying for Newsweek.

“I think almost all of us could give some incidents where we were teased or bullied,” DeLucia-Waack says. “I think we can all understand what it’s like to be bullied. And it does pull at your heart. It really does.”

UB’s research and preparation for its emerging anti-bullying and school violence center — made possible thanks to what DeLucia-Waack calls a “very generous donor” — has shown the bullying phenomenon goes beyond the primary and high school classroom to bullying on the job, on athletic teams, on college campuses and what has become the newest bullying vehicle — the Internet.

“It doesn’t seem to go away,” says DeLucia-Waack. “And there really are some long-term consequences. We have these suicides. There has always been some, but I think they have become more public. The other thing we know is that kids who were bullied sometimes turn around and bully later on. Or they become abusers; domestic violence or date-rapers.

“If you feel powerless and then you suddenly decide, ‘I can be powerful,'” she says. “So there is a long-term effect we’re just starting to realize, for the bullies as well as the people being bullied.”

Just what works and how to address bullying and child abuse by children will be a chief task of UB’s Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying Abuse and School Violence. But DeLucia-Waack’s research and study of existing research shows some common guidelines:

Define Bullying:

A successful Upstate New York program made a point of defining the code of conduct for types of bullying. Then it trained teachers in what to look for. Know the difference between kids having a fight one day, she says, and bullying. Conflict resolution and peer mediation works well for peer conflict. The same kind of response can only inflame bullying behavior.

Establish Clear Consequences, Beyond Punishment:

“I say this all the time,” she says. “Schools are in the business of educating kids. So we can’t just punish them. We are supposed to teach kids social-emotional learning standards. We are supposed to help them become better people later on. So we have got to teach them better communications skills. We’ve got to teach them how to get along.”

Start with the Teacher, Especially in Primary or Secondary Schools:

“That’s the place to say, ‘Do you notice anything different?'” DeLucia-Waack says. “These teachers have a lot of ownership of their kids. So start with that teacher.”

Recognize Bullying Is a Power Issue, Immune to Methods That Solve Problems Between Students:

“What we do know is clearly you do not put the bully and the person who is being bullied in the same room,” she says. “It’s about power, and the bully is going to use that power, and they are probably going to retaliate against that other person later on. So that is an absolute no-no, and sometimes people are still doing that.”

“The Kids Have Got to Get Involved”:

“The kids have to take charge, because if the kids do not own it, they are not going to tell the teachers. They are not going to police themselves,” she says. “At the same time, teachers and administrators have to be a key piece to this.”

A Center at the University at Buffalo Means Progress:

The research to take place within UB’s Jean M. Alberti Center for the Prevention of Bullying, Abuse and School Violence will be key, DeLucia-Waack says, because most researchers point out the need for a national center to organize and catalogue diverse research throughout the country.

“There is not one clear center where people go to for bullying research,” she says. “So if we can serve as the main clearing house, that place where people look at our website, where we hold a conference once a year and everyone wants to come, where the people doing the research and the cutting-edge practice come to present, and the other people come and learn, we would do that.

“Having interviewed very different people for our director position, there are all these things going on all around the country, and people are not talking to each other.”

The University at Buffalo is a premier research-intensive public university, a flagship institution in the State University of New York system and its largest and most comprehensive campus. UB’s more than 28,000 students pursue their academic interests through more than 300 undergraduate, graduate and professional degree programs. Founded in 1846, the University at Buffalo is a member of the Association of American Universities.

A 12-year-old Staten Island boy has been charged with assault as a hate crime for taunting, beating up on, and attempting to rip the headscarf off of a female classmate. Osman Daramy and an unnamed accomplice demanded to know if the girl was Muslim, and when she told them to leave her alone, he punched and kicked her.

The attacks continued for months, until the girl had enough and reported the abuse to the assistant principal of her school, who then reported it to the police. The underage troublemaker is being held without bail for a third-degree assault as a hate crime. In addition to his abuse of this girl, Osman apparently enjoyed treating his peers like garbage — he’s already been suspended three times this year, and just this week cut a chunk of hair off another female classmate’s head.

Osman’s father, Frank Davies, claims his son is a victim, and that ‘they’ are out to get him because he himself is a Muslim and African-American. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the kid’s malicious and hateful treatment of his peers.

The adolescent hooligan is being held without bail, and due to his juvenile status, the case will be handled in Family Court.

This case is being handled in a dramatically different manner than if the crimes had occurred in some parts of the Middle East. Earlier this year, 14-year-old Hena Akhter was sentenced (illegally) in Bangladesh to the punishment of 101 lashes for the crime of being raped by a male cousin her father’s age. She dropped after 70 and died later that week from her injuries.

Sharia law has been outlawed for years in many Muslim countries, but it is still practiced regularly in many rural areas. Authority figures like the doctor that reported no injuries and cited Hena’s death as a suicide on her autopsy report allow the practice of Sharia to continue.

Sharia is not kind to women. Rape victims are routinely brutalized. Women are beaten simply for dating non-Muslim men. Fathers lock their daughters in closets for four months as punishment for sitting next to a boy at lunch.

Knowing the atrocities committed against Muslim women in other parts of the world, I am grateful to live in a country where there is justice for females. No girl of any religion should ever have to fear punishment for the crime of existing.

I hope that whatever punishment Osman Daramy receives for his mistreatment of his peers is enough to make him knock it off. If not … well, that’s why we have a criminal justice system.

(CBS) Can being bullied damage youngsters’ self-esteem and undermine their ability to make new friends and forge family relationships? Apparently so, at least if they have fur and four paws.

In a new study from Rockefeller University, mice that had been pushed around by dominant males grew unusually nervous in the presence of new company. That change of behavior could affect everything from courtship and “pair-bonding” to parenting abilities, researcher Yoav Litvin said in a written statement.

Litvin and colleagues conducted a series of experiments in which young mice were put into cages with larger, older mice. After the turf battles that the young mice inevitably lost, the mice were separated by a partition that allowed them to see, smell, and hear one another – a stressful experience for the loser.

When the bullied mice were then put into cages with non-threatening mice, they seemed unusually fearful and reserved. And when researchers then examined the brains of the bullied mice, they found changes indicating heightened sensitivity to a hormone called vasopressin – which in humans is associated with aggression, stress, and anxiety.

The good news? The discovery of the brain chemistry changes suggests doctors may be able to develop drugs to counteract the effects of bullying in humans.

“The identification of brain neuroendocrine systems that are affected by stress opens the door for possible pharmacological interventions,” Litvin said in the statement. “Additionally, studies have shown that the formation and maintenance of positive social relationships may heal some of the damage of bullying.”

The study was published in Physiology & Behavior.

During the recent White House Bullying Summit, the president challenged the people who work in bullying prevention to look at their current work and see where we could improve. His request came at a time when I’d actually been thinking about the same thing. Why? Because about a month ago I was asked to review a commonly used bullying prevention guideline often given to parents and children. As I read it, I realized that I had never taken the time to read these guidelines and I should have because they weren’t as good as they need to be.

Among the advice I thought was most counterproductive?

“Ignore the bully.” By the time a child reaches out to an adult, the vast majority of kids have been dealing with the bullying and trying to ignore it for a long time. The only thing that happens when you tell a kid to ignore the bully, is that they no longer think you care or are capable of helping them.

“Explain to your child that bullies are weak and insecure.” Who cares? Even if that were true, the bullies themselves don’t believe it, and that fact doesn’t help the target respond effectively to the problem.

“To avoid being bullied develop friendships and remember there is safety in numbers.” This is an example of a tip that is simply not reflective of the reality of people’s lives. Sometimes bullies are your friends and very rarely do bullying prevention tips acknowledge this fact or what to do about it. Equally unhelpful and inadequate is “safety in numbers” because you can’t depend on that being the case. In truth there’s sometimes danger in numbers because people are often encouraged by the group to fight or at the least not back down from a situation.

This information is regularly given out at schools all over the country and specifically when people are in great distress. In such a situation, advice has to be good. As educators on this issue, we owe it to the families we work with to give them our best. We have to look at our standard protocols and advice and ask ourselves a very simple question: Do we give people effective information?

So I’ve done a little revising to these tips. I don’t have all the answers and it’s likely I overlooked something so I encourage you to make suggestions to what you see here. I will start off here with guidelines for the target. I’ll follow later with guidelines for the bystander and the bully. I look forward to seeing what you think.

If you are being bullied:
Many kids who are bullied feel helpless. Sometimes, they think the only thing they can do is hope the problem will go away. But there are things you can do to get some control in the situation and it starts with developing a strategy and a support system.

The moment it’s happening:
• Breathe. Observe who is around. Breathe again.
• Ask yourself what the bully is doing that you want stopped and what you want them to do instead.
• If you can, find the courage to say those feelings. For example, “Stop pushing me into the lockers, I want to walk down the hallway in peace. I know you can do whatever you want, but I want you to stop.” Or, “Stop sending texts to everyone in the grade that no one should talk to me.”
• If you can walk away, think about walking towards safety not away from the bully. For example, walk towards a classroom where you can see a teacher you trust. If you are in a park, walk towards a group of adults or a coach.
• Don’t retaliate or threaten to retaliate. This often leads to an escalation of the bullying.

If you are being bullied online:
Any time someone is bullied through social networking, a cell phone, or any type of social media, it can be really hard not to want to defend yourself by retaliating or finding out why this person is attacking you. Sleeping with your phone in your bedroom is never a good idea, but it’s even worse when you’re bullied online because it’s too tempting to stay up all night trying to “fix” the situation — which isn’t possible anyway. Same thing goes with a computer. Sleep is hard anyway when you know people are saying mean things about you, but it’s impossible if you’re checking Facebook, Twitter, and your texts all night.

After the bullying has occurred:
Remember that reporting a bully is not snitching. People snitch when all they want to do is get the person in trouble. People report when they have a problem that is too big for them to solve on their own. People who report bullying are doing the right thing. And the reality is adults can’t address the problem if they don’t know about it.

Report the bullying to an ally: An ally is an adult that you trust to help you think through your problems. An ally can be a parent or guardian, a teacher or counselor. Avoid describing the bullying in generalities like, “He is being mean.” Be specific about the bullying behavior, where you are when it occurs, and what you need to feel safe.

If you are scared to go to school, show up for practice, or any other activity, tell your ally or the adult who is in charge. It is not your fault that you are being bullied, and you have the right to be in school and participate in after-school activities, just like everyone else.

What do you do if the bully is a friend?
It’s always important to have strong friendships that you can depend on, but sometimes the bully can be a friend. If that happens ask yourself the following questions about your friendship.

• What are the three most important things I need in a friendship? (Most people say, trust, respect, and honesty)
• Are my friends treating me according to what I need in a friendship?
• If my friends aren’t treating me according to my standards, why am I in this friendship? Is it worth it?
• If my friends were nice to me tomorrow, do I believe the bullying will stop or am I hoping for the best and putting all the power in their hands?

If you’re the adult who is helping the child or teen think through these questions, it’s OK for them to think about their answers. They need to come up with the answers for themselves so they can internalize the realization that the cost is too high to maintain these relationships.