Bully Prevention

PMNY Parenting Issues Examiner Ross Ellis

Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students of all races and classes. 1 out of 4 kids is bullied and 42% of kids have been bullied while online. Child and teen Bullying and Cyberbullying are at an all-time high. Some kids are so tormented that suicide has become an alternative for them. It has everyone worried. Not just the kids on its receiving end, but the parents, teachers and others who may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

New York does not have anti-bullying legislation – but maybe they will as a last hurrah for Governor David Paterson.

A day after the Daily News wrote about a teen being routinely harassed at his school, Governor Paterson announced he had submitted a bill to assist kids in trouble. Perhaps he wasn’t aware of all of the other kids in New York who have been harassed at school since he’s been in office … but we’re glad he’s finally taking notice.

The legislation which is way overdue, would require every school to post the state’s school violence hotline so that students could have quick access to services.

The City Education Department launched a campaign against bullying this year with the City Council, and agency officials said they are at work on the case of the bullied victim reported in the Daily News.
It’s wonderful that the City Council is helping 14-year-old Kimquan Green from the Bronx. We are thrilled to see his torment come to an end.

But where was the help last February for 5-year-old Jazmin Loving, a student at Public School 161 in Crown Heights who was tormented by her classmates, beaten and had her hair cut off by her classroom bullies? This was also reported by the Daily News, LXTV and other media outlets.

According to news sources, the governor said his bill also focuses on ensuring that schools are required to follow the state’s human rights laws against discrimination, saying “We have a responsibility to provide the highest level of protection and care to the children of New York State and this legislation would help do just that.”

Hotlines are a good start. And we are delighted to see that child victims are finally getting services to end their pain — yet more is needed.

We applaud Governor Paterson’s efforts and those of the City Education Department and City Council whose assistance and legislation will assist kids in trouble. However, what is critically needed is a bill like the landmark anti-bullying legislation of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick.

It is our hope that every child in New York and across the country will be safe from violence in school, on playgrounds, online and in their communities.

Adults need to respect each child’s friendship style and preferences

by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

An article in today’s New York Times challenged the notion that children should have best friends. A Best Friend? You Must Be Kidding by Hilary Stout raised hackles among parents by reporting that several school and camp administrators are trying, in fact, to squelch best friendships. The professionals’ rationale: Kids should be friends with everyone because exclusivity sets the stage for cliques and bullying.

The article glossed over the fact that there are differences among people (adults as well as children) in their need for friendships. By dint of personality, some kids are social butterflies and others prefer to spend more time alone, with an intimate best buddy, or with siblings or other family members. While there are strong cultural pressures to encourage children to expand their social circle, adults need to respect each child’s friendship style and preferences.

In my opinion, neither school officials nor parents should be “regulating” friendships. When teachers (or parents) hover too closely or meddle at the first sign of a tiff between kids, children are denied the opportunity to learn friendship lessons they will need as adults. Kids need to be able to choose friends and work out problems as independently as possible— taking into consideration, of course, the child’s age and level of maturity.

Parents serve as role models to their children. They demonstrate how friends can be lifelong sources of joy, sharing, and support. But parents need to be honest, too, in conveying the message to their children that problems invariably crop up in relationships and need to be worked out. They shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that some differences turn out to be irreconcilable, and that most friendships, even very good ones, have expiration dates.

It’s a mistake to make the leap into thinking that close friendships lead to bullying. In fact, when children are bullied or excluded, it is their true friends who “have their backs” and can buffer them from that trauma.

In the December movie favorite, “A Christmas Story,” Ralphie and his friends cower in the presence of the neighborhood bully, Scut Farkus. That is, until one day when a snowball in the face provokes Ralphie to fight back and pound Scut into submission.

Back in the 1940s, when the movie took place, bullying wasn’t hard to spot. It was physical, verbal and always overtly confrontational. That’s how we often think of bullying today, and in fact, whether it’s kids or adults, face-to-face confrontations are frequently the way bullies go after their prey.

But it’s not the only way. Cyberbullying — through Internet social networks, texting and cell phones — can be as damaging as physical showdowns. And in some cases, it can be fatal, as demonstrated by the death of Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old Massachusetts girl, who was targeted by classmates and hanged herself in January. The incident triggered widespread national publicity, reminiscent of other such incidents that have occurred and brought similar outrage and concern over cyberbullying.

Yet the practice continues and is likely to do so unless kids police themselves and their friends. But more importantly, parents need to take their heads out of the sand and realize that a Blackberry or laptop can become a weapon even in the hands of the most innocent-looking children.

With the power of the Internet and cell towers at their fingertips, kids who would never dream of shouting at another student or shaking a fist in someone’s face, can send threatening text messages or start vicious rumors on the Internet about another child. And they can do it with such a degree of anonymity that they can be difficult to trace. That is until there is a tragedy, which was the case with Phoebe Prince when authorities tracked down her tormentors and charged them with crimes in her death.

New York has a chance this session to take steps against such behavior with legislative proposals that have been introduced but have not passed in previous years to require school districts to establish policies against bullying and teach kids not to bully or cyberbully. The package of bills also requires reporting by district personnel of bullying incidents and establishes a statewide bullying hotline. Cost could be a factor with the initial price tag set at $53 million to implement such programs, but even if phased in over a few years, it’s a step the Legislature should take.

However, this is not just a legislative issue. The preventive steps that can avoid a Phoebe Prince tragedy can start at home with moms and dads talking to their kids, picking up on their conversations about other children, supervising their use of cell phones and the Internet and making sure that they become neither victims nor perpetrators of cyberbullying.

Some kids might find such intervention an invasion of privacy. Some parents might, too. But it’s like talking to children about drugs and alcohol. If you can save a kid’s life from ruin — your own or someone else’s — interceding is the right thing to do.

Some 44 per cent of suicides committed by young people between 2000 and 2008 were due to bullying, a national charity has stated.

According to Beatbullying, at least 26 out of 59 cases involving 10 to 14-year-olds were connected with bullying, research independently verified by a researcher at Warwick University indicates.

The charity correlated figures from the Office of National Statistics with national media reports on youth suicide between 2000 and 2008.

Beatbullying released the figures yesterday (13 June), the second anniversary of the death of Sam Leeson, who committed suicide after being bullied.

Emma-Jane Cross, Chief Executive of Beatbullying, stated that the government must make new commitments to combat bullying in every school.

“The new administration has a real opportunity and responsibility to reach those very vulnerable children who are so badly bullied that they contemplate suicide,” Ms Cross said.

“Suicide should never feel like the only option for any child or young person,” she added.

Beatbullying runs a number of peer mentoring schemes for young people, including CyberMentors.

Knowing your children’s friends and good communication are key, study finds

By Randy Dotinga

Parents can play an important role in preventing their children from becoming bullies by helping them with homework and getting to know their friends, a new study suggests.

“Improving parent-child communication and parental involvement with their children could have a substantial impact on child bullying,” said study author Dr. Rashmi Shetgiri, a pediatrician and researcher at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and Children’s Medical Center in Dallas.

Shetgiri and colleagues analyzed a 2007 national survey of 45,897 parents with children aged 10 to 17.

Among other things, the survey asked whether the children were bullies. About 15 percent of children were identified as bullies.

The researchers then tried to figure out whether some kids were more likely to be bullies. Black and Hispanic kids had a higher risk of being bullies than white kids, as did those whose mothers reported mental health issues.

Children who were less likely to be bullies included older kids, those who lived in a home where the primary language wasn’t English, and those who did their homework consistently.

Parents who met their children’s friends and talked with their kids were less likely to have children who bullied others, the study authors noted.

“Parents can also work with health care providers to make sure any emotional or behavioral concerns they have about their child, as well as their own mental health, are addressed,” Shetgiri said. “Lastly, parents can take advantage of parenting programs that can help them become aware of and manage negative feelings, such as anger, and respond to their child in a non-aggressive manner.”

The study is scheduled for presentation Monday at the Pediatric Academic Societies’ annual meeting in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Reviewed by: Michelle New, PhD

It can be shocking and upsetting to learn that your child has gotten in trouble for picking on others or been labeled a bully.

As difficult as it may be to process this news, it’s important to deal with it right away. Whether the bullying is physical or verbal, if it’s not stopped it can lead to more aggressive antisocial behavior and interfere with your child’s success in school and ability to form and sustain friendships.

Understanding Bullying Behavior

Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully because they feel insecure. Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker provides a feeling of being more important, popular, or in control. In other cases,kids bully because they simply don’t know that it’s unacceptable to pick on kids who are different because of size, looks, race, or religion.

In some cases bullying is a part of an ongoing pattern of defiant or aggressive behavior. These kids are likely to need help learning to manage anger and hurt, frustration, or other strong emotions. They may not have the skills they need to cooperate with others. Professional counseling can often help them learn to deal with their feelings, curb their bullying, and improve their social skills.

Some kids who bully at school and in settings with their peers are copying behavior that they see at home. Kids who are exposed to aggressive and unkind interactions in the family often learn to treat others the same way. And kids who are on the receiving end of taunting learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.

Helping Kids Stop Bullying

Let your child know that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences at home, school, and in the community if it continues.

Try to understand the reasons behind your child’s behavior. In some cases, kids bully because they have trouble managing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases, kids haven’t learned cooperative ways to work out conflicts and understand differences.

Be sure to:

• Take bullying seriously. Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate bullying at home or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away privileges, be sure it’s meaningful. For example, if your child bullies other kids via email, text messages, or a social networking site, dock phone or computer privileges for a period of time. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings or others, put a stop to it. Teach more appropriate (and nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.
• Teach kids to treat others with respect and kindness. Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status) and try to instill a sense of empathy for those who are different. Consider getting involved together in a community group where your child can interact with kids who are different.
• Learn about your child’s social life. Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing your child’s behavior in the school environment (or wherever the bullying is occurring). Talk with parents of your child’s friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, and the school principal. Do other kids bully? What about your child’s friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school? Talk to your kids about those relationships and about the pressures to fit in. Get them involved in activities outside of school so that they meet and develop friendships with other kids.
• Encourage good behavior. Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative discipline. Catch your kids being good — and when they handle situations in ways that are constructive or positive, take notice and praise them for it.
• Set a good example. Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you handle conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively — toward or in front of your kids — chances are they’ll follow your example. Instead, point out positives in others, rather than negatives. And when conflicts arise in your own life, be open about the frustrations you have and how you cope with your feelings.

Starting at Home

When looking for the influences on your child’s behavior, look first at what’s happening at home. Kids who live with yelling, name-calling, putdowns, harsh criticism, or physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out in other settings.

It’s natural — and common — for kids to fight with their siblings at home. And unless there’s a risk of physical violence it’s wise not to get involved. But monitor the name-calling and any physical altercations and be sure to talk to each child regularly about what’s acceptable and what’s not.

It’s important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch how you talk to your kids, and how you react to your own strong emotions when they’re around. There will be situations that warrant discipline and constructive criticism. But take care not to let that slip into name-calling and accusations. If you’re not pleased with your child’s behavior, stress that it’s the behavior that you’d like your child to change, and you have confidence that he or she can do it.

If your family is going through a stressful life event that you feel may have contributed to your child’s behavior, reach out for help from the resources at school and in your community. Guidance counselors, pastors, therapists, and your doctor can help.

Getting Help

To help a child stop bullying, talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and provide assistance.

Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a history of arguing, defiance, and trouble controlling anger, consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health professional.

As difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop bullying, remember that bad behavior won’t just stop on its own. Think about the success and happiness you want your kids to find in school, work, and relationships throughout life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward those goals.

If we didn’t pay enough attention to it in the past, that is certainly no excuse for failure to take action in the present.

As reported in The Sunday Telegraph of May 30, local school administrators say the issue is a priority. Even longtime educators who’ve been aware of bullies for years say the use of the Internet has raised the stakes and created more of a challenge for enforcement of antibullying policies and statutes. Under the cloak of anonymity, bullies can be even more vicious and wreak greater havoc in the lives of their victims.

Two highly publicized cases have created a heightened awareness of the problem – the suicide of Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, Mass., in January; and an incident in Concord earlier this month, when four students gave a special needs student an obscene tattoo on his backside.

At the request of The Telegraph, the Nashua School District released its record of bullying incident reports for the past year. While nothing rose to the level of the South Hadley or Concord incidents, there were 39 noteworthy cases.

They included persistent physical and verbal abuse, cyberbullying and assaults on the school bus. In one reported incident, three students were threatening and cyberbullying another student. A school resource officer intervened and warned the students of possible criminal threatening charges and suspension from school.

Now that the state is about to include bullying in its criminal statutes, resource officers should issue those warnings more often. In the most severe cases, students should face criminal charges as juveniles or adults, depending on their age.

The state’s new bullying law, which has been passed by the House and Senate and is expected be signed by Gov. John Lynch this month, will require school districts to incorporate cyber-bullying into their antibullying policies. It will also require that all incidents of bullying and cyberbullying are reported to the state annually.

Once bullies realize that their harassment, assaults and intimidation will lead to criminal sanctions that may dog them for life, they may think twice before they act.

In Nashua, Superintendent of Schools Mark Conrad should be commended for making bullying a top priority. He recently dedicated a monthly principals meeting to a review of the district’s definition of bullying and reporting requirements. There are plans for workshops and professional development over the summer and next school year to learn more about the problem.

The district has a policy that requires principals to act on all complaints of bullying, including contacting all of the parents involved, within 48 hours. The district now needs to close the gap in its policies regarding cyber-bullying.

One of the great advantages in the state’s new bullying law is that it won’t be limited to school grounds. Bullying will be subject to prosecution even when off school property, if authorities can prove it was disruptive to the victim’s education and the orderly operation of the school.

All of these measures make sense, but ultimately zero tolerance among students, teachers and parents is the best prevention for bullying. Students who see it need to speak up. Teachers and administrators need to take action. Parents need to support them.

As British statesman Edmund Burke put it: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

by Sandy Lucas

Parents ca learn how to use sports psychology to help kids be mentally tough in the face of bullies. With tryouts and auditions for summer sports and dance teams coming up, parents should beware of the possibility of bullies trying to psych out their young athletes and hurt their performance, says Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., a sports psychology expert and co-founder of the popular Ultimate Sports Parent and Kids’ Sports Psychology websites (www.youthsportspsychology.com and www.kidssportspsychology.com)

Orlando, FL (PRWEB) June 1, 2010 — With tryouts and auditions for summer sports and dance teams coming up, parents should beware of the possibility of bullies trying to psych out their young athletes and hurt their performance, says Patrick Cohn, Ph.D., a sports psychology expert and co-founder of the popular Ultimate Sports Parent and Kids’ Sports Psychology websites (The Ultimate Sports Parent and Kids’ Sports Psychology).

Cohn and his sister, award-winning parenting writer Lisa Cohn, just released “Helping Young Athletes Stay Confident and Mentally Tough in the Face of Bullies,” a program that uses sports psychology strategies to help kids remain confident and unshaken when bullies–both coaches and kids–try to psych them out, intimidate them, harass them or tease them in sports.

“While we were preparing this program, sports parents and coaches wrote us with painful, angry and sometimes frightening stories about kids getting bullied in sports by their peers and their coaches,” says Dr. Cohn. “Our research showed that bullying is rampant in sports, is common among both boys and girls, and can cause kids to lose confidence, perform poorly and drop out.”

Bullies target all kinds of athletes, Dr. Cohn says. They focus on kids who are smaller and less physically talented. They also target gifted athletes because the bullies are jealous and want to force talented kids out of competition. What’s more, when kids are competing for a ladder position on a team, competition can be fierce and bullying is common.

“Helping Young Athletes Stay Confident and Mentally Tough in the Face of Bullies,” consists of an e-book for parents and coaches, a workbook for young athletes, and a series of audio interviews with bullying experts, coaches and sports parents. At the heart of the program are sports psychology strategies for helping young athletes stay focused, composed, and perform well when bullies target them. The program explains:

–>Why kids and coaches bully in sports
–>How bullying hurts kids’ sports performance and confidence
–>How sports kids can stay focused when bullies strike
–>How sports kids can re-focus when distracted by bullies
–>How young athletes can create a “confidence resume” and use it to ward off bullies
–>How young athletes can deal with friends who are bullies
–>How kids can get bullies’ negativity out of their heads and focus on more positive things
–>What parents and coaches need to do to fight the bullying epidemic in sports

“Parents really need to be on the lookout for bullies during summer tryouts,” says Dr. Cohn. “They’ll be out there insulting, harassing, teasing, intimidating and trying to ensure your kids don’t make the team. They’ll also cause lots of trouble on recreational teams.”

Dr. Patrick Cohn is a sports psychology expert, sports parent, and owner of Peak Performance Sports, LLC. He has worked with some of the top athletes in the world–including PGA tour winners and NASCAR winners–on techniques to improve confidence, focus, and composure in sports. He has interviewed many top athletes in the world, including Thurman Thomas, Michelle Akers, Ernie Els, Mario Andretti, and Helen Alfredsson to uncover the strategies, techniques and skills that keep these professional athletes at the pinnacle of performance. Dr. Cohn has a Ph.D. in education from the University of Virginia.

Lisa Cohn is an award-winning parenting writer and author whose stories have appeared in Mothering, the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting and other publications. She’s the host of Ultimate Sports Parent Radio, a podcast with about 110,000 subscribers, She’s been quoted about parenting by the New York Times, Associated Press and Time Magazine. Lisa is a mom and stepmom to five young athletes and a former youth sports coach. Lisa played three sports as a student at Wesleyan University, Middletown, Ct.