EP caught up with Peggy Moss, a nationally known expert on bullying and a tireless advocate for the prevention of hate violence, to discuss bullying. Peggy is also the author of Say Something, an award-winning children’s book that helps parents and educators start conversations with kids about actions they can take when they are being bullied, or are a witness to other kids being tormented at school.

“The injury is real when kids get teased — unchecked, it can be devastating.”

Are name-calling and teasing just part of growing up, a rite of passage that all kids go through? “Many people out there think that adults are making too much of a fuss about it, that we should leave kids to their own devices. We know better now,” argues Peggy. “I have talked to 80-year-olds who remember the name of the person who tormented them in school, and the name of the child who stood up for them in first grade. This is pain that has lasted a lifetime. We have the information to stop bullying now, so why wouldn’t we?”

EP sat down with Peggy and asked her what parents can do when they suspect their child is being bullied, and what they can do—together—to try to stop it.

How can you tell if your child is being bullied?
There’s a good chance your kid won’t walk up to you and say, “I’m getting teased and bullied at school, the kids are calling me names.” Instead, it’s going to manifest itself by your child saying, “I don’t want to go to school today.” If this seems to be happening a lot, consider the possibility that bullying might be the reason behind the sick days. Also, look for signs that kids are hurting themselves. Self-mutilation can be a sign. For boys, one classic symptom is that they are teased so much about being gay or being atypical that they’re terrified to go to the bathroom. Since there’s only one way in and one way out of a bathroom, it’s an ideal place to tease other kids. Boys who are bullied often won’t go all day, which can lead to lifelong intestinal issues. This could potentially be a sign—if your kid races home and goes to the bathroom every day after school. These are all possible signals that your child might be the target of teasing at school.

As a parent, teacher or health care worker, add “Bullying” to your radar when you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with a child—add the possibility that your kid is getting tormented at school. The injury is real when kids get teased—unchecked, it can be devastating.

If my child comes to me and tells me he is being bullied, what is the best thing to do?
I would say let your child talk about it. Don’t say, “What did you do that made them tease you?” That’s a pit parents can fall into. Don’t make the assumption that your kid has done something to bring on the teasing. Teasing isn’t always logical, and for your kid it doesn’t matter why—it just matters that it’s happening.

Listen in a non-judgmental way about your child and about the teaser. Let your kid do the talking. Don’t try to solve the problem. Ask, “What happened? How did that make you feel?” to draw your child out. And try to find out more about the kid who’s doing the teasing. Don’t say, “Oh my God, what a rotten kid,” because you’re just getting a part of the story. Your child doesn’t need you to go ballistic or take on the problem as your own. Your child needs to know that he’s being heard and that his feelings matter. Once you’ve got the whole story out, depending upon what’s happened, you can take your next step. For a parent to be explosive about the situation will cause a child to recoil. If I march to school and confront the bully on the playground, my child is not going to feel safe telling me anything about this again. I’m taking on his battle for him.

So, what can I do to stop the bullying?
The short answer is to let your kid come up with ideas. Ask him questions like, “What do you think you can say next time? What do you think might work?” Help your child see what the outcome might be of their words and actions; help them see that this is a problem they can solve on their own terms. For example, your kid might come up with the idea of saying to the bully, “Leave me alone, you jerk.” Instead of the parent saying, “That’s a bad idea,” respond with, “What do you think is going to happen if you do that?” Let them figure out that the bullying might escalate if they resort to name-calling.

Your child might then shrug and say, “I could walk away from the bully.” You can suggest that they walk away the first time and say what they need to say the next time. We have to be honest about how hard it is to face a tormentor. It’s also important to ask your child this question: “What’s going to make you feel better about this situation?” But make sure you’re not the one coming up with the solution. It’s important that your child feels like they’re solving the problem on his or her own terms. It’s a skill you can teach them that will last a lifetime.

What if my child won’t talk to me about being bullied?
As long as they feel like they have a safe place to go, that is what’s important. And if you feel your kid can’t talk to you, swallow hard and say, “OK, my child is not talking to me, but they’ve got to talk.” Put someone else in that room with them that they can talk to, whether it’s an aunt or uncle, teacher, counselor, coach or family friend. Unless that conversation can start, it’s very hard to get to the heart of the problem.

When should I approach my child’s teachers about it?
Go in pretty early, as soon as your child starts coming home and mentioning that they are being teased. If your kid is coming home more than once a week and saying, “These kids are teasing me and I don’t like to go to the bathroom,” go in after school when all the kids are gone. Call the teacher and set up an appointment. Teachers are like everyone else, if you mention something in passing, it won’t carry as much weight. If you make an appointment, they will listen.

A caution to parents: often when your kid is getting bullied, their teachers don’t know it. Kids are smart enough not to do it in front of the teacher. Bear in mind that when you go to a teacher you shouldn’t be carrying a hatchet in your back pocket. It may not be that the teacher is doing a bad job, it might mean it’s happening out of earshot. Don’t go into school assuming that you’ll be received with, “Oh yes, we’ve seen this happening.” Say things like, “My child is coming home and talking about this.” And then say, “This is how it’s impacting my child.” That’s what teachers need to know, because it may not be obvious to them. What you’re asking is for them to keep an eye out. Later, you can check in with email, and they can get back to you when you’re ready. If the bullying doesn’t stop, or it’s really bad bullying, you should go to the principal. A really great trick is to go in with a question: “I talked to Ms. Fabbiano a week ago, and my daughter is still coming home with this complaint. What should I do?” Put it into the lap of the principal and ask, “When can I expect to hear back from you about what you’ve done? What’s the next step?” Then you can tell your child that you will be getting an answer on Thursday about what steps will be taken. It’s also all right to ask educators to keep your conversations private, and then you can reassure your child about this as well.

What about when it’s gone beyond verbal abuse and there is a physical threat?
Once you’ve got a threat, you’ve got a crime—it’s called “Criminal Threatening.” It’s time to alert the police. You want to be in touch with the school long before you’ve got a threat of violence. When the threat of violence comes, you’re in police territory. That’s why there’s so much uproar about teasing and bullying, because once a child has been threatened with violence, it’s a really big wound. It’s hard to tell that child that they can feel safe at school ever again. Especially if the threat is anonymous. For the kid who gets an anonymous threat, going to school is terrifying minute-to-minute. There is no way a child can focus on her math test if she’s trying to figure out who wrote the note saying they were going to kill her. By the time you get to that point, you are in crisis mode.

Part of it is getting a sense from teachers about what’s really going on in that school. As a parent, it’s much more complicated. If you can’t figure out who is making the threat and the police can’t figure it out, you really have to decide whether the child is safe in the school and whether you want to keep her there.

The message to kids in your book Say Something is that kids have the power to stop bullying behavior at school themselves. Can you explain how this works?
When we talk to kids about bullies, remind them of this truth: Bullies are cowards. Most bullies won’t tease two kids together, and almost never will they pick on three kids at once. Even in a group, bullies single out one or two kids. In terms of plain old teasing, bullies like to put other kids down, to make someone else feel lousy so they can feel powerful. Most kids who are teasing and putting down other kids are looking for approval from peers. Teach your kids that there are a lot of ways to show that you don’t approve. If someone just speaks up and says, “Whoa,” or “Ew,” or “That’s not cool,” it can be effective. If another kid can walk up and say, “Hey, come over here, you want to go play?” to the person getting picked on, that’s huge. It often will defuse the whole situation. That bully is unlikely to follow, and he has just been told in public that what he’s doing is not cool. Whether a teacher or kid breaks the assumption, now the kid getting picked on knows that not everyone agrees, and so does the bully. It doesn’t always have to take a lot of courage. Kids should know that they have the power to change their situation, especially when they work together.

How can we help our child avoid being bullied?

Whether on the school playground or in the neighborhood park, children sometimes find themselves the target of bullies. When that happens, these bullies can not only frighten a youngster, shaking his confidence and spoiling his play, but they can also cause bodily injury.

Avoiding a bully is one reason your child may be reluctant to go to school. Perhaps he is being forced to relinquish his lunch money to this bully. Or he might be fearful of physical harm. If you suspect a problem like this, you need to take action to ensure your child’s safety and well-being. Here are some strategies he can adopt with your help, and which will help make him safer:

• Tell your child not to react to the bully, particularly by giving in to demands. A bully relishes intimidating others and likes nothing better than to see his victim cry or become visibly upset in other ways. Getting that response reinforces the bullying behavior. Your child should try to keep his composure and simply walk away.
• If your child’s attempts at disregarding a bully’s taunts aren’t effective, he should become assertive with his harasser. While standing tall and looking his tormentor in the eyes, he should clearly and loudly make a statement like, “Stop doing that now. If you keep on, I’m going to report you to the principal.” Or, “I’ll talk to you, but I’m not going to fight. So put your fists down now.” Sometimes, a strong statement will defuse the situation, and the bully will try to find another, weaker target. Drawing the attention of peers to the bullying situation can embarrass the bully. If your child isn’t used to reacting assertively, help him rehearse what he will say if he is confronted.
• Encourage your child to form strong friendships. A youngster who has loyal friends is less likely to be singled out by a bully, or at least he’ll have some allies if he does become a target of harassment.
• Talk to your son’s teacher or to the principal of his school if the situation with the bully persists. You might be reluctant to intervene, perhaps because your child is embarrassed to have you do so, or because you believe he needs to learn to deal with these situations on his own. On the other hand, you don’t want your child’s self-confidence to weaken, or his physical well-being to be jeopardized. Your youngster deserves to attend school in a safe environment, even if it means both you and the school staff need to become involved.

Let the principal or teacher talk to the bully when he or she sees the inappropriate behavior taking place on the school grounds. This is generally a more effective approach than having you speak with the child or his parents.

Picture A World Where Kids Get Along With And Respect Each Other …
This Is How That Picture Should Look

Childhood should be a time filled with wonder and joy, but the reality for many kids and teens is often much different. They’re the victims of bullying at school or on neighborhood playgrounds.

Please visit our sister site www.stompoutbullying.org to learn more!

Kids who are intimidated, threatened, or harmed by bullies often experience low self-esteem and depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors. Some kids are so traumatized by being bullied, that they contemplate suicide. Bullies often have been the victims of bullying or other mistreatment themselves.

Despite installing metal detectors and surveillance cameras in schools, many students are still fearful of violence because schools are not addressing bullying as a serious issue.

Bullying has become more prevalent than ever and students are scared!

Security measures to combat gun violence have done little to stop the school bully. The reports found that 9 percent of students said they were threatened or injured with a weapon in 2001, a slight increase from two years ago. The report further showed a 3 percent increase in the number of students who reported being bullied.

Bullying is commonly accepted as part of the school tradition. Schools and parents must work together to end this painful and at times fatal tradition.

Recent Statistics Show:
• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some “Bullying.”
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the information to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who’s capable of murder.
• Playground statistics – Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention -4% Peer intervention – 11%. No intervention – 85%.

Most Recent Bureau of Justice Statistics – School Crime & Safety
• 1/3 of students in grades 9-12 reported that someone sold or offered them an illegal drug on property.
• 46% of males, and 26% of females reported they had been in physical fights.
• Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in the higher grades.

Bullying And What You Can Do About It
Bullying behavior is not always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured ribbing and bullying? Hostility and aggression directed toward a victim who is physically or emotionally weaker than the bully are more obvious signs of bullying. The result of this behavior is pain and distress for the victim.

Bullying is a form of child abuse and the bully is very likely to grow up as an adult who abuses children.

Types of Bullying
Bullying behavior comes in various forms:

• Physical bullying is perhaps the most obvious form of intimidation and can consist of kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, and making threats. A bully may threaten to punch a child if he doesn’t give up his lunch money, for example.

• Verbal bullying often accompanies the physical behavior. This can include name calling, spreading rumors, and persistent teasing.

• Emotional intimidation is closely connected to these two types of bullying. A bully may deliberately exclude a child from a group activity such as a class party.

• Racist bullying can take many forms: making racial slurs, spray painting graffiti, mocking the victim’s cultural traditions, and making offensive gestures.

• Sexual bullying is characterized by unwanted physical contact or abusive comments. For example, many girls experience the embarrassment of having their bra strap snapped by a bully.

Why Some Kids Bully
There are many reasons why a child may become a bully. They may turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with being bullied and abused or living in a home where there is domestic violence. And just like their victims, bullies often have low self-esteem. Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim, someone who is weaker, to feel more important, powerful, or in control. They’re often bigger or stronger than their victims and may use bullying as an attempt to achieve popularity and friends.

Bullies will often target someone who is different than others and focus on that attribute. Wearing glasses, being overweight, or being in a wheelchair are all differences that can be game for a bully’s ridicule. A child doesn’t have to be physically different from other children to be bullied. Being insecure, or smarter, or slower than their peers can also make some kids the target of bullying. The bully realizes that these children are unlikely to retaliate.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied
Do you suspect that your child is being bullied? Sometimes the effects of bullying aren’t as obvious as a black eye. Other signs to look for include the sudden appearance of bruises, missing belongings, or the invention of mysterious illnesses or stomachaches to avoid going to school. Your child may be embarrassed or feel weak by admitting he’s the victim of a bully.

To make it easier for your child to talk about it, consider asking some thoughtful questions. For example, you could ask what it’s like walking to the bus stop or home from school. Often a child will unexpectedly change routines to avoid a bully. Or you could ask about what happens before or after school or during recess. You might also try asking if there are any bullies in the neighborhood who have threatened to hurt any kids your child knows. This might make it easier for your child to talk about bullies because he won’t necessarily have to talk about his own experiences. It might also help your child realize that he’s not alone.

If you learn that your child is the victim of a bully, do not overreact. Remember that your child is the victim; you do not want to add to your child’s burden with an angry or blaming response. Although it’s understandable that hearing your child is being bullied would make you sad or upset, try not to let your child see that – he might interpret your sadness as disappointment in him.

Helping Your Child Stand Up To A Bully
First, listen to your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing that you care can be helpful and comforting. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable, so it’s important that you let him know you’re on his side and that you love him.

Talk to your child about why some people act like bullies. Remember that your child may feel guilty, that he is somehow to blame. Reassure your child that he did not cause the bullying. Explain that kids who bully are usually confused or unhappy.

How can your child handle a hostile confrontation with a bully? Getting angry or violent won’t solve the problem; in fact, it’s giving the bully exactly what he wants. And responding with physical aggression can put your child at risk. On the other hand, going along with everything the bully says is not a good way to handle the situation. Your child must regain his sense of dignity and recover his damaged self-esteem – agreeing to be a victim won’t accomplish this.

Empower your child to act first. For example, suggest that your child look the bully in the eye and firmly say, “I don’t like your teasing and I want you to stop right now.” Your child should then walk away and ignore any further taunts from the bully. If your child fears physical harm, he should try to find a teacher or move toward friends who can provide comfort and support.

Because bullies often target socially awkward children, you should encourage your child to develop more friendships. Suggest your child join social organizations, clubs, or teams. Encourage him to invite other kids over after school on a regular basis. Sometimes just being in a group with other kids can keep a child from being victimized.

In most cases, bullying won’t require your direct intervention, but if you fear that your child may be seriously harmed, it’s important that you step in. That may mean walking to school.

Take action and report it to the school immediately. Working together with your schools to institute conflict resolution programs is essential.It may embarrass your child, but his safety should be your primary concern.

Tell Your Child:
• Coping with bullying can be difficult, but remember, they are not the problem, the bully is! They   have a right to feel safe and secure.
• If they are different in some way, be proud of it!
• Stand strong!
• Spend time with your friends – bullies hardly ever pick on people if they’re with others in a group.
• They’ve probably already tried ignoring the bully, telling them to stop and walking away whenever   the bullying starts. If someone is bullying them, they should always tell an adult you can trust.

This isn’t telling tales.

Kids and teens have the right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped. Even if they think   they’ve solved the problem on their own, tell an adult anyway, in case it happens again. An adult   they can trust might be you, a teacher, school principal, someone else from your family, or a   friend’s parent.

• If they find it difficult to talk about being bullied, they might find it easier to write down what’s been   happening to them and give it to you or an adult they trust.

What Can Your Child Do If They See Someone Else Being Bullied?

• If they see someone else being bullied they should always try to stop it. If  they do nothing, they’re saying that bullying is okay with them.

The best way to help is probably to tell an adult. It’s always best to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

• Show the bully that they think what they’re doing is stupid and mean. Help the person being bullied to tell an adult they can trust.

If Your Child Is A Bully
• Watch for signs of bullying.
• Don’t allow your child to control others through verbal threats and physical actions.
• Help your child develop empathy for the problems of the victim (target).
• Apply clear, consistent, escalating consequences for repetitive aggressive behaviors.
• Provide anger management counseling for your child if needed.
• Don’t tolerate revengeful attitudes.
• Don’t allow your child to have contact with aggressive groups.
• Limit your child’s exposure to models of aggressive behavior such as violent television, movies and   video games.
• As a parent, be a good role model for constructively solving problems.
• As a parent, be a good role model for getting along with others.
• As a parent, help your child develop a healthy physical image.
• Watch for the emergence of feelings of power and control.
• As a parent, know the whereabouts of your child.
• As a parent, protect your child from physical and emotional abuse at home.

You can help modify a bullying child’s behavior by controlling your own aggression, along with the behavior of your children. If an older brother or sister frequently taunts, teases, or bullies your child, it’s likely to damage that child’s self-esteem and make him more likely to model that aggressive behavior outside the home by attacking other kids.

Parents really need to get more involved in their children’s lives. That way they will be more sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty. Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus on understanding. Allow children to express how they feel, and treat a child’s feelings with respect. Set a good example by showing them a healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them when you see them using these positive skills to settle a difference. Teach them to identify “the problem”, and focus on the problem, “not” attacking “the person.” Tell them conflicts are a way of life, but violence doesn’t have to be. And finally, teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions will make for a healthier child, a healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need for any “bullies” or “victims” in the world.

Set limits for your bullying child. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find other, nonviolent ways of reacting to certain situations. Observe your child in one-on-one interactions and remember to praise your child for appropriate behaviors. Positive reinforcement can be very powerful.

Talking to your child’s school staff may also help. Tell them your child is trying to change his behavior and ask how they can help. It may be helpful for you and your child to meet with an educational psychologist or other mental health professional.

Finally, set realistic goals for your child. Don’t expect him to change immediately. As he learns to modify his behavior, it’s important to assure your child that you still love him – it’s his behavior that you don’t like.

Work With The Schools To Help Stop Bullies and Violence
Many schools already have a way of dealing with bullying. They may:

• Have anti-bullying guidelines and procedures for dealing with incidents
• Encourage anyone who is being bullied, or has witnessed bullying to tell someone about it
• Have ‘bully boxes’ where people can leave notes about what is happening
• Have student meetings or even ‘courts’ where problems like bullying are discussed and dealt with
• Have specially assigned students or teachers who are there to help

If your school has an anti-bullying system, use it to get help. If you’re not sure how it works, talk to a teacher. Some schools ignore bullying. If your school does, don’t be resigned to being a victim. You can still help yourself and ask others to help you.

It’s all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO’s, PTA’s), Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to Child (at home). There should be town meetings involving the parents, students, and entire school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give “their” ideas on how they would like situations handled. For younger students, role playing of “victims” and “bullies” in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect – how it feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked on could be to have an older student assigned as a type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone, and friendships can be made there. Many schools admit that the lockers are the most common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes.

The schools can also pass out questionnaires, and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what is happening and what they would like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there is no conflict in the school. This promotes a pride in the school, and teaches them that even one person’s actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are using posters, and having the students wear certain colors on certain days.

A local school in Pennsylvania participated in “Annual Week Without Violence.” One program included, “Hands Around Violence.” Students made paper cutouts of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent messages on them, such as: “I will not use my hands or words for hurting.” The “Pledge Hands” served as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference.

Other activities included a white out, where students wore as much white as possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore their school colors, and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed that card over to the first person to smile at them.

Another great idea schools are using is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while asking the students, “How does this person feel?” This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion & ideas for resolution.

Let kids know it’s OK to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen, and eager to help. Also, if your kids/students are “bystanders” to their friends, or other kids being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these kids by reporting it. If they are afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully.

The anonymous tip is only suggested for those victims who fear revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their “snitching.” Yes, in many cases the name of the victim will have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a “nameless” child might try to talk his way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a particular incident with a specific child, and if there was proof, or witnesses, it’s harder to deny.

Telling is not tattling! When a kid or teen reports bullying they may be saving their own life or the life of a friend.

Parents Can Learn More About Bullying Below:

Bullying And Guns At School
Bullying Prevention Bill Of Rights For Parents and Students
Bullying Prevention Laws
Parents Helping to Stop Bullying and School Violence
Time For School … Time For Bullying Prevention
What Parents Can Do To Stop Bullying
Cyberbullying

Kids Can Learn More About Bullying Below:

Stop Bullying
Bullying At School
Bullying: What Have I Ever Done To You
Cyberbullying
Cell Phone and Text Messaging Safety
Online Safety For Kids and Teens
Miss Teen New Jersey International 2007 Stand Against Bullies

Getting Help
Helping your child cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child’s school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child’s school or in your community.

Additional Help Resources
American Academy of Pediatrics
Advice on Communicating with Children about Disasters
www.aap.org

American Psychiatric Association
www.psyh.org

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
202-966-7300
www.aacap.org

American Psychological Association
202-336-5500
www.apa.org

Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS)
301-443-4735
www.mentalhealth.org

The ChildTrauma Academy
www.childtrauma.org

National Association of School Psychologists
www.nasponline.org

The National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology
www.nationalregister.org

This list of Best Practices is taken with permission from stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov and is based partly on Limber, S. P. (2004, Winter), What works and doesn’t work in bullying prevention and intervention. Student Assistance Journal. 16-19.

1. Focus on the social environment of the school. In order to reduce bullying, it is important to change the social climate of the school and the social norms with regards to bullying. This requires the efforts of everyone in the school environment-teachers, administrators, counselors, school nurses, other non-teaching staff (such as bus drivers, custodians, cafeteria workers, and/or school librarians), parents, and students.

2. Assess bullying at your school. Adults are not always very good at estimating the nature and prevalence of bullying at their school. As a result, it can be quite useful to administer an anonymous questionnaire to students about bullying. A number of bullying prevention programs listed in the Resource Kit include these measures.

3. Obtain staff and parent buy-in and support for bullying prevention. Bullying prevention should not be the sole responsibility of any single individual at a school. To be most effective, bullying prevention efforts require buy-in from the majority of the staff and from parents. However, bullying prevention efforts should still begin even if immediate buy-in from all isn’t achievable. Usually, more and more supporters will join the effort once they see what it’s accomplishing.

4. Form a group to coordinate the school’s bullying prevention activities. Bullying prevention efforts seem to work best if they are coordinated by a representative group from the school. This coordinating team might include:

• an administrator
• a teacher from each grade
• a member of the non-teaching staff
• a school counselor or other school-based mental health professional, and
• a parent

The team should meet regularly to review findings from the school’s survey; plan specific bullying prevention activities; motivate staff, students, and parents; and ensure that the efforts continue over time.

5. Provide training for school staff in bullying prevention. All administrators, faculty and staff at a school should be trained in bullying prevention and intervention.BIn-service training can help staff members to better understand the nature of bullying and its effects, how to respond if they observe bullying, and how to work with others at the school to help prevent bullying.

6. Establish and enforce school rules and policies related to bullying. Developing simple, clear rules about bullying can help to ensure that students are aware of adults’ expectations that they not bully others and that they help students who are bullied. School rules and policies should be posted and discussed with students and parents. Appropriate positive and negative consequences should be developed.

7. Increase adult supervision in “hot spots” for bullying. Bullying tends to thrive in locations where adults are not present or are not watchful. Adults should look for creative ways to increase adult presence in locations that students identify as “hot spots.”

8. Intervene consistently and appropriately when you see bullying. Observed or suspected bullying should never be ignored by adults. All school staff should learn effective strategies to intervene on-the-spot to stop bullying. Staff members also should be designated to hold sensitive follow-up meetings with students who are bullied and (separately) with students who bully. Staff members should involve parents whenever possible.

9. Devote some class time to bullying prevention. Students can benefit if teachers set aside a regular period of time (e.g., 20–30 minutes each week or every other week) to discuss bullying and improving peer relations. These meetings can help teachers to keep their fingers on the pulse of students’ concerns, allow time for discussions about bullying and the harms that it can cause, and provide tools for students to address bullying problems. Anti-bullying messages also can be incorporated throughout the school curriculum.

10. Continue these efforts. There should be no “end date” for bullying prevention activities. Bullying prevention should be continued over time and woven into the fabric of the school environment.

The 21st Century Problem in Schools: Bullying, and How to Keep Your Kid From Being a Victim

Children bullying other children has been an issue since there were children, and though it has often been downplayed as “part of growing up,” it has always had potentially serious implications from an emotional perspective.

But these days, due to a host of factors such as our society’s glorification of celebrity and being popular, violence in mass media, and easy access to deadly weapons, the implications can be especially risky. At the extreme, in many of the school shootings over the last decade, the perpetrators were withdrawn students who had a history of being bullied. Though still largely ignored or discounted as a minor issue, bullying is a very serious – and growing – problem.

According to a new study of two schools by UCLA researchers, 47 percent of sixth graders in one school and 46 percent in the other said they’d been bullied at least once during a five-day period.

Bullying isn’t just physical: Name calling, spreading rumors-even intentionally excluding someone from a group-are all forms of bullying.

Bullying can take on many forms-name calling, teasing, spreading rumors, physical aggression-and the end result can be tragic, both for the victim and the bully. After being teased, even if it’s “just joking around,” kids are seriously affected, and verbal abuse happens twice as often as physical abuse, according to the UCLA study that was published in the March/April issue of the journal Child Development.

“The students who were beat up and those who were called names were equally bothered. Kids reported feeling humiliated, anxious or disliking school on days when they reported incidents, which shows there is no such thing as ‘harmless’ name-calling or an ‘innocent’ punch,” said Jaana Juvonen, UCLA professor of psychology and co-author of the study.

When bullying gets bad enough, kids can end up missing school or worse. Back in 2002, one 12-year-old Connecticut boy who had missed 44 days of school as a result of bullying ending up committing suicide by hanging himself. Though suicide and school shootings demonstrate extremes of what can happen if a child is bullied, there are other lasting impacts that can occur.

Says Alice Pope, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Psychologyat St. John’s University, the effects of bullying can last a lifetime and include lowered self-esteem, vulnerability to depression, problems with sexual relationships and, as mentioned above, suicide.

Victims of bullies are also more likely to report physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches and colds than kids who aren’t bullied.

The bully, too, is more likely to have problems later in life, she says, ranging from lowered school attendance and performance to an increased likelihood of committing criminal acts. Bullies, like victims, also have a greater risk of depression and suicide.

So just how widespread is bullying?

“Bullying is a problem that large numbers of kids confront on a daily basis at school; it’s not just an issue for the few unfortunate ones,” said Juvonen. And the cycle of bullying is similar to that of a yo-yo dieter: the more a child is bullied, the more depressed, lonely and anxious they feel. This makes them want to avoid school, so their grades and social ties break down, while meanwhile making them more psychologically vulnerable to being bullied.

Children appear most likely to be bullied (or at least are most affected by bullying) between the ages of 11 and 13. Fortunately, as children get older, the likelihood of being bullied goes down.

Being bullied as a child can have lasting impacts on a person’s psychological health. Don’t miss the tips to the left to help keep your child from becoming a victim.

4 Ways to Help Your Child From Becoming Bullied

Kids who have low self-esteem, few friends or lack social skills are often the targets of bullies, simply because they’re less likely to fight back or pose a real challenge to the bully. The National Mental Health Information Center recommends that parents take the following four steps to prevent their kids from becoming a victim to a bully:

1. Instill self-confidence in your child.
2. Help your child establish good social skills.
3. Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
4. Teach your child to seek help if harassed, from you and other caring adults.

What to do if Your Child is Being Bullied

Here are seven simple steps to take if you suspect your child is being bullied (see the box above for signs your child may be at risk), from the National Mental Health Information Center:

1. Make sure your child knows being bullied is not his or her fault.
2. Let your child know that he or she does not have to face being bullied alone.
3. Discuss ways of responding to bullies.
4. Teach your child to be assertive.
5. Tell your child not to react, but to ignore the bully, walk away and get help if pursued.
6. Tell your child to report bullying immediately to a trusted adult.
7. Contact the school/teacher.

For those of you interested in keeping your little one from becoming a bully, don’t miss the article below, “9 Key Reasons for You and Your Family to Kill Your Television.” It explains how 4-year-olds who watch a lot of TV are more likely to become bullies when they’re older.

Bullying is a big problem. It can make kids feel hurt, scared, sick, lonely, embarrassed and sad. Bullies might hit, kick, or push to hurt people, or use words to call names, threaten, tease, or scare them.

A bully might say mean things about someone, grab a kid’s stuff, make fun of someone, or leave a kid out of the group on purpose.

Some bullies threaten people or try to make them do things they don’t want to do.

Bullying Is a Big Deal

Bullying is a big problem that affects lots of kids. Three-quarters of all kids say they have been bullied or teased. Being bullied can make kids feel really bad. The stress of dealing with bullies can make kids feel sick.

Bullying can make kids not want to play outside or go to school. It’s hard to keep your mind on schoolwork when you’re worried about how you’re going to deal with the bully near your locker.

Bullying bothers everyone — and not just the kids who are getting picked on. Bullying can make school a place of fear and can lead to more violence and more stress for everyone.

Why Do Bullies Act That Way?

Some bullies are looking for attention. They might think bullying is a way to be popular or to get what they want. Most bullies are trying to make themselves feel more important. When they pick on someone else, it can make them feel big and powerful.

Some bullies come from families where everyone is angry and shouting all the time. They may think that being angry, calling names, and pushing people around is a normal way to act. Some bullies are copying what they’ve seen someone else do. Some have been bullied themselves.

Sometimes bullies know that what they are doing or saying hurts other people. But other bullies may not really know how hurtful their actions can be. Most bullies don’t understand or care about the feelings of others.

Bullies often pick on someone they think they can have power over. They might pick on kids who get upset easily or who have trouble sticking up for themselves. Getting a big reaction out of someone can make bullies feel like they have the power they want. Sometimes bullies pick on someone who is smarter than they are or different from them in some way. Sometimes bullies just pick on a kid for no reason at all.

Gemma told her mom that this one kid was picking on her for having red hair and freckles. She wanted to be like the other kids but she couldn’t change those things about herself. Finally Gemma made friends at her local swimming pool with a girl who wished she had red hair like Gemma’s. The two girls became great friends and she learned to ignore the mean girl’s taunts at school.

Bullying: How to Handle It

So now you know that bullying is a big problem that affects a lot of kids, but what do you do if someone is bullying you? Our advice falls into two categories: preventing a run-in with the bully, and what to do if you end up face-to-face with the bully.

Preventing a Run-In With a Bully

Don’t give the bully a chance. As much as you can, avoid the bully. You can’t go into hiding or skip class, of course. But if you can take a different route and avoid him or her, do so.

Stand tall and be brave. When you’re scared of another person, you’re probably not feeling your bravest. But sometimes just acting brave is enough to stop a bully. How does a brave person look and act? Stand tall and you’ll send the message: “Don’t mess with me.” It’s easier to feel brave when you feel good about yourself. See the next tip!

Feel good about you. Nobody’s perfect, but what can you do to look and feel your best? Maybe you’d like to be more fit. If so, maybe you’ll decide to get more exercise, watch less TV, and eat healthier snacks. Or maybe you feel you look best when you shower in the morning before school. If so, you could decide to get up a little earlier so you can be clean and refreshed for the school day.

Get a buddy (and be a buddy). Two is better than one if you’re trying to avoid being bullied. Make a plan to walk with a friend or two on the way to school or recess or lunch or wherever you think you might meet the bully. Offer to do the same if a friend is having bully trouble. Get involved if you see bullying going on in your school — tell an adult, stick up for the kid being bullied, and tell the bully to stop.

If The Bully Says or Does Something to You

Ignore the bully. If you can, try your best to ignore the bully’s threats. Pretend you don’t hear them and walk away quickly to a place of safety. Bullies want a big reaction to their teasing and meanness. Acting as if you don’t notice and don’t care is like giving no reaction at all, and this just might stop a bully’s behavior.

Stand up for yourself. Pretend to feel really brave and confident. Tell the bully “No! Stop it!” in a loud voice. Then walk away, or run if you have to. Kids also can stand up for each other by telling a bully to stop teasing or scaring someone else, and then walk away together. If a bully wants you to do something that you don’t want to do — say “no!” and walk away. If you do what a bully says to do, they will likely keep bullying you. Bullies tend to bully kids who don’t stick up for themselves.

Don’t bully back. Don’t hit, kick, or push back to deal with someone bullying you or your friends. Fighting back just satisfies a bully and it’s dangerous, too, because someone could get hurt. You’re also likely to get in trouble. It’s best to stay with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.

Don’t show your feelings. Plan ahead. How can you stop yourself from getting angry or showing you’re upset? Try distracting yourself (counting backwards from 100, spelling the word ‘turtle’ backwards, etc.) to keep your mind occupied until you are out of the situation and somewhere safe where you can show your feelings.

Tell an adult. If you are being bullied, it’s very important to tell an adult. Find someone you trust and go and tell them what is happening to you. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom helpers at school can all help to stop bullying. Sometimes bullies stop as soon as a teacher finds out because they’re afraid that they will be punished by parents. This is not tattling on someone who has done something small — bullying is wrong and it helps if everyone who gets bullied or sees someone being bullied speaks up.

What Happens to Bullies?

In the end, most bullies wind up in trouble. If they keep acting mean and hurtful, sooner or later they may have only a few friends left — usually other kids who are just like them. The power they wanted slips away fast. Other kids move on and leave bullies behind.

Luis lived in fear of Brian — every day he would give his lunch money to Brian but he still beat him up. He said that if Luis ever told anyone he would beat him up in front of all the other kids in his class. Luis even cried one day and another girl told everyone that he was a baby and had been crying. Luis was embarrassed and felt so bad about himself and about school. Finally, Brian got caught threatening Luis and they were both sent to the school counselor. Brian got in a lot of trouble at home. Over time, Brian learned how to make friends and ask his parents for lunch money. Luis never wanted to be friends with Brian but he did learn to act strong and more confident around him.

Some kids who bully blame others. But every kid has a choice about how to act. Some kids who bully realize that they don’t get the respect they want by threatening others. They may have thought that bullying would make them popular, but they soon find out that other kids just think of them as trouble-making losers.

The good news is that kids who are bullies can learn to change their behavior. Teachers, counselors, and parents can help. So can watching kids who treat others fairly and with respect. Bullies can change if they learn to use their power in positive ways. In the end, whether bullies decide to change their ways is up to them. Some bullies turn into great kids. Some bullies never learn.

But no one needs to put up with a bully’s behavior. If you or someone you know is bothered by a bully, talk to someone you trust. Everyone has the right to feel safe, and being bullied makes people feel unsafe. Tell someone about it and keep telling until something is done.

Reviewed by: D’Arcy Lyness, PhD

A slightly edited version of a table of information appearing on StopBullying.gov. The website itself is an invaluable resource for parents and students who need help dealing with bullying.

Get Help Now

If you have done everything you can to resolve the situation and nothing has worked, or someone is in immediate danger, there are ways to get help.

The Problem: A child is being bullied in school.

What You Can Do: Contact the:

(1)Teacher
(2)School counselor
(3)School principal
(4)School superintendent
(5)State Department of Education

The Problem: Someone is acting differently than normal, such as always seeming sad or anxious, struggling to complete tasks, or not being able care for themselves.

What You Can Do: Find a local counselor or other mental health services.

The Problem: Someone is feeling hopeless, helpless, thinking of suicide.

The Solution: Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Exit Disclaimer online or at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
The toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in our national network. These centers provide 24-hour crisis counseling and mental health referrals.

The Problem: There has been a crime or someone is at immediate risk of harm.

What You Can Do: Call 911.

The Problem: The school is not adequately addressing harassment based on race, color, national origin, sex, disability, or religion.

What You Can Do: Contact:
(1)School superintendent
(2)State Department of Education
(3)U.S. Department of Education, Office for Civil Rights
(4)U.S. Department of Justice, Civil Rights Division

from redcross.ca
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Bullying can make back-to-school a torment
This fall, thousands of Canadian children will return to school only to face intimidation, degradation and cruelty at the hands of their peers. We know this torment as bullying. A young male is held by the neck of his shirt against a wall by an unseen larger boy. A young female smirks in the background.

For too long, this destructive behavior—which includes not only physical and verbal aggression but also subtler cruelties such as isolation and rejection—has been viewed as “just kid stuff.”

“Something that deeply scars so many lives should not be dismissed as a normal, harmless part of growing up,” says Debra Cockerton, Ontario Provincial Coordinator with RespectED, the Canadian Red Cross service that focuses on violence and abuse prevention education.

Research consistently shows that bullying can have a devastating effect on the victim, resulting in long-term emotional problems, diminished school success and, in rare but tragic cases, can even lead to deadly violence. For the aggressor, unchecked bullying tendencies can escalate into criminal action in later years.

About one in five children are bullied regularly in Canada, often on school grounds. However, a major study in Ontario suggested teachers are aware of only a small percentage of bullying incidents, making intervention difficult.

So what can parents do to help their children have a peaceful, respectful school year?

“First, it’s important to teach your child that everyone deserves respect. That includes accepting differences—whether racial, cultural or in ability. You have to model that behaviour in all your interactions, so your children adopt it,” says Cockerton

Secondly, make time to talk with your child about what’s happening at school. Remind a group of teens hang out at their lockersthem that it’s important to report bullying to a trusted adult, whether it’s happening to them or to someone else. “Most kids aren’t bullies or victims, they’re bystanders.Bystanders can play a huge role in stopping bullying by refusing to encourage or cheer the bully, and by supporting the victim.” Let your child know that you will take concerns seriously and take action to protect them. Often, kids feel powerless when bullied, and presume no one can help them.

Find out about the bullying and harassment policy in your children’s school. If there isn’t one, offer to form a group to create one.

RespectED works with schools to develop effective anti-bullying policies and procedures. Its Beyond the Hurt program trains youth and adults to facilitate interactive presentations that engage youth in exploring how to stop bullying.

Everyone, young and old, needs to understand how actions and attitudes can help foster a healthy environment, Cockerton , asserts. “When you’re being bullied, you feel very alone. But you’re actually part of a whole community that has an obligation to help make the problem stop.”

Safer Schools Start at Home

Parents can reduce bullying by working to build understanding at home:

-Teach your child that everyone deserves respect. That includes accepting differences—whether racial, cultural or in ability. Model respectful behaviour in all your interactions.
-Help your child find ways to show anger without verbally or physically hurting others.
-Talk with your child about the violence he or she sees on television, in video games, and in their school and neighbourhood; discuss the real-life consequences.
-If your child exhibits disturbing behaviours—angry outbursts, excessive fighting, cruelty to animals, fire-setting or lack of friends—get help. Talk with a trusted professional in your child’s school or community.
-Make time to communicate. Encourage your child to share their day. Ask questions; discuss issues. Pay attention if your child complains of bullying, and alert the school if necessary.
-Teach your child that applauding a bully or standing idly by is wrong, and that they have a responsibility to intervene by telling the bully to stop or going to get help.
-Find out what the school’s bullying policy is. A good policy takes the problem seriously and employs common sense. Expectations are clearly communicated and consequences consistently and fairly applied. Follow-up services for aggressors and victims are available.
-If your school does not have an adequate policy, offer to create a working group to develop one. Include input from school personnel, parents, other community members, and young people.