Bully Prevention

In this interview with a young boy bullied at school for physical disabilities, the student describes how his involvement in groups outside of school and extra-curriculars helped him develop new healthy relationships with people his own age. This in turn gave him the confidence to better handle those stressful bullying situations he faced in school.

Are there differences between male and female bullies?

by Molly Edmonds

When you consider the great bullies that have graced the movie and television screen, most of them are males. In 2008, the Boston Globe compiled a list of the most intimidating pop culture bullies, and 12 out of 15 spots went to bad boys, including Bluto from “Popeye,” Simon Cowell from “American Idol,” Nelson from “The Simpsons” and Biff Tannen from “Back to the Future.” Just three women represented their gender on the list: Nellie Olsen from “Little House on the Prairie,” Regina George from “Mean Girls” and conservative commentator Ann Coulter.

Proportionately, this list seems about right — in real life, bullies are far more likely to be male than female. In fact, if a screenwriter wanted to get a big laugh out of just how cowardly his male protagonist is, he might pit the youngster against a girl bully, albeit a big, burly one that hardly resembled a girl at all. As a culture, we tend to expect boys to throw the punches, verbal and physical. “American Idol” would be a much different experience if Paula was the mean one and Simon was the one who gushed over contestants.

For decades, researchers thought that boys were inherently more aggressive than girls, and playground scuffles usually ended with a boy in detention. In the 1990s, though, Finnish researcher Kaj Bjorkqvist began interviewing adolescent girls about their interactions. What he found is that girls are no less aggressive than boys; they’re just aggressive in different ways [source: Talbot]. Instead of fighting on the playground like the boys, they play subtle mind games that may be even more damaging than a black eye.

For this reason, the Boston Globe’s inclusion of Regina George makes perfect sense. 2004’s “Mean Girls” was adapted from the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence” by Rosalind Wiseman. Regina George’s dictates that her friends wear certain outfits on a given day of the week was based on a real high schooler’s rules, and Regina’s efforts to manipulate the girls in her orbit go on every day in the halls of high schools. So how do girls get to be such big bullies?

Relational Aggression

Up until the age of 4, kids tend to show aggression in the same way; they’ll grab toys out of another kid’s hands or push someone who makes them mad [source: Talbot]. But researchers at Brigham Young University have shown that girls as young as 4 have learned how to manipulate their peers to exclude kids and become the queen of the sandbox [source: Starr]. They’ll tell lies and secrets to get other kids to shun the offender.

That means that before kindergarten, girls have started practicing relational aggression, a term that’s been used to describe the type of bullying that’s the specialty of adolescent girls. Rather than just bullying weak kids they hardly know, as male bullies do, female bullies go after their closest relationships. The female bully is hard to catch in action and difficult to punish; there is, after all, no bloody nose to serve as proof. Instead, victims carry emotional scars resulting from the bully’s habits of spreading rumors, leaking secrets, savage put-downs, backstabbing and social exclusions. Bullies may demean a person’s choice of clothing or exclude a friend from the guest list for a popular party in order to gain social status within a group of girls. At the same time, they send the victim into social exile, a particularly painful place for a young girl.

Boys also tend to bully others in order to gain social status, so it seems that bullies share certain motivations — need for attention, fear of competition, anger at the way they’re treated at home. And in the long-term, female bullies suffer as much as male bullies, because eventually, those closest to them tire of the manipulations, though there’s a lack of research as to whether female bullies turn to drugs and alcohol and end up in jail at the same rates that male bullies do.

There are a few key differences, though: Male bullies come in all shapes and sizes, from the popular football captain to the social outcast, while female bullies tend to be the popular girls (another factor that may help them escape punishment). And while some male bullies appear to lash out because they haven’t developed empathy for others, girls seem to possess ample amounts of empathy; so much so, in fact, that they know exactly how to harm a perceived threat. Because girls tend to put so much emphasis on friendships, female bullies know how to get a fellow female to divulge a secret, and then she knows how to reveal it in a way that will maximize the embarrassment for the victim.

During middle and high school, it may be important for parents to remind their daughters that true friends aren’t manipulative, negative or mean. Such a warning may seem commonsense, but few things make sense in adolescence. Unfortunately, the high school cafeteria isn’t the last place where a woman will go up against a female bully.

If you’ve ever been shot repeated glares at work, omitted from an e-mail chain or meeting where you should have been included or received a humiliating public lecture that could have just as easily been delivered behind closed doors, then you were likely up against a workplace bully. In 2007, the Workplace Bullying Institute released a survey that showed just how common this phenomenon is; according to the survey, 37 percent of U.S. workers have been bullied on the job. As on the playground, bullies are more likely to be male than female (60 percent of perpetrators were male), and the bully is usually the boss.

What many news outlets jumped on when this story came out, however, is how frequently women pick on other women. While males in the workplace will bully other males and females at equal numbers, female bullies will go after someone of the same gender 70 percent of the time [source: Klaus]. Discussions of why this problem exists involves considering some gender stereotypes about how we expect women to behave.

For example, bullies, no matter their gender, go after those who are less likely to fight back. Because women are sometimes thought to be more docile and less combative, both men and women may exploit that perceived weakness when they pick their targets [source: WBI]. Another explanation portends that women are more sensitive to criticism, making them more likely to hold grudges and act on them later [source: Klaus]. Some argue that women, relatively new to the corporate, office environment, haven’t learned the fine art of competition, or have adopted male-identified behaviors, like bullying, to get ahead [source: Meece]. Because they are new in the workplace, it’s also possible that their behavior is being overanalyzed, and the slightest deviation from the stereotype of a nurturing female is considered bullying [source: Meece]. On the other hand, because women are new to positions of leadership, it’s possible they don’t want to help the women who may replace them [source: Klaus].

The Workplace Bullying Institute contends that since most bullies are bosses, and because many women tend to be in charge of other women, the bullied subordinates are doomed by virtue of having a female boss. A 2009 study published in Psychological Science found that bully bosses (male or female) tend to lash out when they feel inferior and unqualified for their position [source: Callaway]. While this provides a lowly worker with a tip for dealing with a bully in charge (flattery), it also echoes some of those earlier theories as to why women bully other women. Because women, racing to crash the glass ceiling, are still token females around the office, their behavior might be scrutinized far more than a male’s. If a female has faced difficulties in getting to her position of leadership, she may still face doubts about her staying power in a male-dominated world. So, in a somewhat vicious cycle, such a female may return to that emotional manipulation she picked up at age 4: bullying.

Occasionally it is difficult to distinguish between bully and victim; children and young adults will go back and forth and escalate their aggression towards each other, often reaching violent levels, whether they be physical, emotional, or both. This video is an interview of two children involved in a video of bullying that went viral on the internet some time ago. Sitting down to discuss the events, what actually transpired in their lives leading up to what happened in the video remains unclear. What is clear, however, is the pain and suffering on both sides.

-from parenting-journals.com

Signs of Depression in Children and Teens
September 8, 2010 |

By Marc Courtiol

While childhood depression can be triggered by events such as changing schools, divorce, moving, or a death in the family, there is a genetic component to depressive mood disorders, and some children are more predisposed to these feelings than others. In past generations childhood depression was often dismissed as normal growing pains, but now that we know more about the causes, symptoms and long-term effects of depression, early detection and treatment of depression have become important concerns.

If you suspect that your young child may be suffering from depression, do not dismiss it. Depression can take root early in life and have long-lasting effects, but you can take steps now to ensure that your child lives a full and happy life. Here are the most common signs and symptoms of childhood depression:

Family history: If there is a history of depression in your family, pay extra close attention to the moods of your child. Even if neither you nor the other parent have depression, these afflictions can skip generations. If you have any parents or siblings who have struggled with mood disorders, then your child could be at greater risk.

Irritability: The symptoms of childhood depression mimic those of adult depression in many ways, but there are important differences. For one, while depressed adults often become withdrawn and sad, depressed children are more likely to become irritable and have outbursts of irrational emotion. They do not have the emotional maturity to recognize the meaning of their feelings, so they lash out.

Loss of interest in activities: If your child frequently complains that she is bored, or if she does not seem interested in any of the activities she used to enjoy, this could be a sign that her mood has declined.

Social difficulties: Having an active social life is a crucial part of childhood development. Depressed children often have trouble interacting with their peers and maintaining friendships, which can lead to arrested development in the social sphere. If not changed early, this can have negative social effects for life.

Frequent complaining: More often than in grown-ups, depression in children can lead to physical aches and pains. If your child frequently complains of headaches, stomachaches, or other pains, be sure to take her to the doctor for a checkup. If nothing is physically wrong, it could be that the pains are triggered by depression. They may be signs that your child is reaching out for help.

Declining school performance: To do well in school, children need to be focused and engaged. Depression can get in the way of this. If his grades have declined, or if he frequently expresses an intense aversion to school, it could be that depression has begun to interfere with his studies.

Frequent crying: Children who are depressed often cry for seemingly no reason. If your child sometimes cries but cannot seem to tell you what is wrong, it could be a sign of unusually melancholy feelings within.

Violence or aggression: Depression can cause children to become aggressive toward their peers or siblings. Some children are naturally rougher than others, but if your child has suddenly become aggressive or has repeatedly gotten in trouble at school for fighting, it could be linked to depression.

Low self-esteem: Childhood depression often goes hand in hand with feelings of low self-worth. If your child often speaks negatively of herself or seems to lack confidence, these might be symptoms of depression.

Morbid thoughts: Children who are depressed sometimes become obsessed with death or violence, and if they do not express these thoughts openly, it may come out in schoolwork or in things like drawings or writings.

techniques from stopbullying.org

Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional
and that involves an imbalance of power or
strength. Often, it is repeated over time and can
take many forms. In many respects, research on
bullying prevention is still in its infancy. Although
researchers have documented success of some
comprehensive programs in reducing bullying, we
still have much to learn about which aspects of
these programs are most important.
However, a review of existing bullying prevention
programs and feedback from educators in the field
led us to suggest ten strategies that represent “best
practices” in bullying prevention and intervention.
1. Focus on the social environment of
the school. To reduce bullying, it is important
to change the climate of the school and the social
norms with regard to bullying. It must become
“uncool” to bully, “cool” to help out students who
are bullied, and normative for staff and students
to notice when a child is bullied or left out. This
requires the efforts of everyone in the school
environment—teachers, administrators, counselors,
other non-teaching staff (such as bus drivers,
nurses, school resource officers, custodians,
cafeteria workers, and school librarians), parents,
and students.
2. Assess bullying at your school. Intuitively
adults are not always very good at estimating the
nature and extent of bullying at their school.
Frequently we are quite surprised by the amount
of bullying that students experience, the types of
bullying that are most common, or the “hot spots”
where bullying happens. As a result, it is often quite
useful to assess bullying by administering an
anonymous questionnaire to students about
bullying. What are the possible benefits of
conducting a survey of students?
• Findings can help motivate adults to take action
against bullying;
• Data can help administrators and other educators
tailor a bullying prevention strategy to the
particular needs of the school; and
• Data can serve as a baseline from which
administrators and other educators can measure
their progress in reducing bullying.
3. Garner staff and parent support for
bullying prevention. Bullying prevention should
not be the sole responsibility of an administrator,
counselor, teacher—or any single individual at a
school. To be most effective, bullying prevention
efforts require buy-in from the majority of the staff
and from parents.
4. Form a group to coordinate the school’s
bullying prevention activities. Bullying
prevention efforts seem to work best if they are
coordinated by a representative group from the
school. This coordinating team (which might
include an administrator, a teacher from each
grade, a member of the non-teaching staff, a school
counselor or other school-based mental health
professional, a school nurse, and a parent) should
meet regularly to digest data from the school
survey described in Strategy 2; plan bullying
prevention rules, policies, and activities; motivate
staff, students, and parents; and ensure that the
efforts continue over time. A student advisory
group also can be formed to focus on bullying
prevention and provide valuable suggestions and
feedback to adults.
5. Train your staff in bullying prevention.
All administrators, faculty, and staff at your school
should be trained in bullying prevention and
intervention. In-service training can help staff to
better understand the nature of bullying and its
effects, how to respond if they observe bullying,
and how to work with others at the school to help
prevent bullying from occurring. Training should
not be available only for teaching staff. Rather,
administrators should make an effort to educate all
adults in the school environment who interact with
students (including counselors, media specialists,
school resource officers, nurses, lunchroom and
recess aides, bus drivers, parent volunteers,
custodians, and cafeteria workers).
6. Establish and enforce school rules and
policies related to bullying. Although many
school behavior codes implicitly forbid bullying,
many codes do not use the term or make explicit
our expectations for student behavior. It is important
to make clear that the school not only expects
students not to bully, but that it also expects them to
be good citizens, not passive bystanders, if they are
aware of bullying or students who appear troubled,
possibly from bullying. Developing simple, clear
rules about bullying can help to ensure that students
are aware of adults’ expectations that they refrain
from bullying and help students who are bullied. For
example, one comprehensive program, the Olweus
Bullying Prevention Program (see resources section
on the Web site) recommends that schools adopt
four straightforward rules about bullying:
• We will not bully others.
• We will try to help students who are bullied.
• We will make it a point to include students
who are easily left out.
• If we know someone is being bullied, we will
tell an adult at school and an adult at home.
School rules and policies should be posted and
discussed with students and parents. Appropriate
positive and negative consequences also should
be developed for following or not following the
school’s rules.
7. Increase adult supervision in hot spots
where bullying occurs. Bullying tends to thrive
in locations where adults are not present or are not
vigilant. Once school personnel have identified hot
spots for bullying from the student questionnaires,
look for creative ways to increase adults’ presence
in these locations.
8. Intervene consistently and appropriately
in bullying situations. All staff should be able to
intervene effectively on the spot to stop bullying
(i.e.., in the 1–2 minutes that one frequently has to
deal with bullying). Designated staff should also
hold sensitive follow-up meetings with children
who are bullied and (separately) with children who
bully. Staff should involve parents of affected
students whenever possible.
9. Focus some class time on bullying
prevention. It is important that bullying
prevention programs include a classroom
component. Teachers (with the support of
administrators) should set aside 20–30 minutes
each week (or every other week) to discuss bullying
and peer relations with students. These meetings
help teachers to keep their fingers on the pulse
of students’ concerns, allow time for candid
discussions about bullying and the harm that it
can cause, and provide tools for students to address
bullying problems. Anti-bullying themes and
messages also can be incorporated throughout the
school curriculum.
10. Continue these efforts over time. There
should be no “end date” for bullying prevention
activities. Bullying prevention should be woven into
the entire school environment.

from          www.stopcyberbullying.org

WHAT IS IT?

“Cyberbullying” is when a child, preteen or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another child, preteen or teen using the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones. It has to have a minor on both sides, or at least have been instigated by a minor against another minor. Once adults become involved, it is plain and simple cyber-harassment or cyberstalking. Adult cyber-harassment or cyberstalking is NEVER called cyberbullying.

It isn’t when adult are trying to lure children into offline meetings, that is called sexual exploitation or luring by a sexual predator. But sometimes when a minor starts a cyberbullying campaign it involves sexual predators who are intrigued by the sexual harassment or even ads posted by the cyberbullying offering up the victim for sex.

The methods used are limited only by the child’s imagination and access to technology. And the cyberbully one moment may become the victim the next. The kids often change roles, going from victim to bully and back again.

Children have killed each other and committed suicide after having been involved in a cyberbullying incident.

Cyberbullying is usually not a one time communication, unless it involves a death threat or a credible threat of serious bodily harm. Kids usually know it when they see it, while parents may be more worried about the lewd language used by the kids than the hurtful effect of rude and embarrassing posts.

Cyberbullying may rise to the level of a misdemeanor cyberharassment charge, or if the child is young enough may result in the charge of juvenile delinquency. Most of the time the cyberbullying does not go that far, although parents often try and pursue criminal charges. It typically can result in a child losing their ISP or IM accounts as a terms of service violation. And in some cases, if hacking or password and identity theft is involved, can be a serious criminal matter under state and federal law.

When schools try and get involved by disciplining the student for cyberbullying actions that took place off-campus and outside of school hours, they are often sued for exceeding their authority and violating the student’s free speech right. They also, often lose. Schools can be very effective brokers in working with the parents to stop and remedy cyberbullying situations. They can also educate the students on cyberethics and the law. If schools are creative, they can sometimes avoid the claim that their actions exceeded their legal authority for off-campus cyberbullying actions. We recommend that a provision is added to the school’s acceptable use policy reserving the right to discipline the student for actions taken off-campus if they are intended to have an effect on a student or they adversely affect the safety and well-being of student while in school. This makes it a contractual, not a constitutional, issue.

Why do kids cyberbully each other?

Who knows why kids do anything? When it comes to cyberbullying, they are often motivated by anger, revenge or frustration. Sometimes they do it for entertainment or because they are bored and have too much time on their hands and too many tech toys available to them. Many do it for laughs or to get a reaction. Some do it by accident, and either send a message to the wrong recipient or didn’t think before they did something. The Power-hungry do it to torment others and for their ego. Revenge of the nerd may start out defending themselves from traditional bullying only to find that they enjoy being the tough guy or gal. Mean girls do it to help bolster or remind people of their own social standing. And some think they are righting wrong and standing up for others.

Because their motives differ, the solutions and responses to each type of cyberbullying incident has to differ too. Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” when cyberbullying is concerned. Only two of the types of cyberbullies have something in common with the traditional schoolyard bully. Experts who understand schoolyard bullying often misunderstand cyberbullying, thinking it is just another method of bullying. But the motives and the nature of cybercommunications, as well as the demographic and profile of a cyberbully differ from their offline counterpart.

Preventing cyberbullying

Educating the kids about the consequences (losing their ISP or IM accounts) helps. Teaching them to respect others and to take a stand against bullying of all kinds helps too.

How can you stop it once it starts?
Because their motives differ, the solutions and responses to each type of cyberbullying incident has to differ too. Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” when cyberbullying is concerned. Only two of the types of cyberbullies have something in common with the traditional schoolyard bully. Experts who understand schoolyard bullying often misunderstand cyberbullying, thinking it is just another method of bullying. But the motives and the nature of cybercommunications, as well as the demographic and profile of a cyberbully differ from their offline counterpart.

What is the school’s role in this? 
When schools try and get involved by disciplining the student for cyberbullying actions that took place off-campus and outside of school hours, they are often sued for exceeding their authority and violating the student’s free speech right.
[Learn more…]

What’s the parents’ role in this?
Parents need to be the one trusted place kids can go when things go wrong online and offline. Yet they often are the one place kids avoid when things go wrong online.Why? Parents tend to overreact. Most children will avoid telling their parents about a cyberbullying incident fearing they will only make things worse. (Calling the other parents, the school, blaming the victim or taking away Internet privileges.) Unfortunately, they also sometimes underreact, and rarely get it “just right.” (You can read more about this in “Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold! Goldilocks and the CyberParents”)

Parents need to be supportive of your child during this time. You may be tempted to give the “stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you” lecture, but words and cyberattacks can wound a child easily and have a lasting effect. These attacks follow them into your otherwise safe home and wherever they go online. And when up to 700 million accomplices can be recruited to help target or humiliate your child, the risk of emotional pain is very real, and very serious. Don’t brush it off.

Let the school know so the guidance counselor can keep an eye out for in-school bullying and for how your child is handling things. You may want to notify your pediatrician,  family counselor or clergy for support if things progress. It is crucial that you are there to provide the necessary support and love. Make them feel secure. Children have committed suicide after having been cyberbullied, and in Japan one young girl killed another after a cyberbullying incident. Take it seriously.

Parents also need to understand that a child is just as likely to be a cyberbully as a victim of cyberbullying and often go back and forth between the two roles during one incident. They may not even realize that they are seen as a cyberbully. (You can learn more about this under the “Inadvertent Cyberbully” profile of a cyberbully.)

We have a quick guide to what to do if your child is being cyberbullied: Your actions have to escalate as the threat and hurt to your child does. But there are two things you must consider before anything else. Is your child at risk of physical harm or assault? And how are they handling the attacks emotionally?  

If there is any indication that personal contact information has been posted online, or any threats are made to your child, you must run.do not walk, to your local law enforcement agency (not the FBI). Take a print-out of all instances of cyberbullying to show them, but note that a print-out is not sufficient to prove a case of cyber-harassment or cyberbullying. You’ll need electronic evidence and live data for that. (You may want to answer the questions on our checklist for helping spot the difference between annoying communications and potentially dangerous ones. But remember, if in doubt, report it.)

Let the law enforcement agency know that the trained cyber-harassment volunteers at WiredSafety.org will work with them (without charge) to help them find the cyberbully offline and to evaluate the case. It is crucial that all electronic evidence is preserved to allow the person to be traced and to take whatever action needs to be taken. The electronic evidence is at risk for being deleted by the Internet service providers unless you reach out and notify them that you need those records preserved. The police or volunteers at WiredSafety.org can advise you how to do that quickly. Using a monitoring product, like Spectorsoft, collects all electronic data necessary to report, investigate and prosecute your case (if necessary). While hopefully you will never need it, the evidence is automatically saved by the software in a form useable by law enforcement when you need it without you having to learn to log or copy header and IP information.

The race is on! During the holiday season, child safety procedures are imperative because of the large crowds we see everywhere. Everyone is engaged in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Everyone. Not simply moms, dads, aunts and uncles looking for the perfect gifts, but child predators looking for their next victim as well. The large crowds present at shopping malls and department stores make their jobs much easier; there is more anonymity and more distractions for parents with children in tow. As a result, there are several safety precautions every shopping parent should take when accompanied by the children.

How does the Bullying/Victim Relationship Emerge?

Perhaps one of the most important things for teachers to remember is that bullies and victims do not necessarily enter the classroom with the destiny of becoming a bully or victim. Once the bully/victim relationship is set in place, however, it is hard to change. The two children may enter into complementary roles, in that the bully and victim react almost simultaneously to what each other are doing (Pepler, Craig & O’Connell, 1999). Often, these complementary actions can create positive feedback that helps to maintain the relationship. As time goes on, this interaction becomes more and more stable and harder to stop, especially if it is encouraged and supported by peers, a lack of empathy for the victim, and a lack of intervention on behalf of the teacher and/or school (Pepler et al., 1999). The entire classroom is in fact a part of the bullying dynamic: the children who gather to encourage the bully, the children who stand on the sidelines as passive bystanders, the children who run away the minute they see a confrontation, all tend to repeat these role over time (Craig & Pepler, 1995). Everybody eventually “knows” their position in the pattern. Teachers and administrators can alter the dynamic by taking a united stand against bullying behaviors, realizing that it can be a problem in any school, and that it is not just a “part of growing up,” and by making sure that the entire class knows what to do if they witness the emergence of a bully/victim relationship.

It is easiest for teachers to prevent bullying when they know the warning signs, but sometimes it is hard to see the dynamic in action. The bully may assume a certain posture and stand by the victim’s locker. Only the victim knows that this means: “give me your lunch money-or else!” Often the interactions occur far too quickly or are too subtle for a teacher who is preoccupied with twenty-eight other students to notice. Thus, considering the growing populations in our schools, it is important for the administration to make sure that its classrooms are adequately staffed with teachers and aides who understand the “symptoms” of the bully/victim relationship.

Also, at times, bullying behavior appears simply because children do not understand the full impact of their actions, and so it is important to make sure that kids know the rules at the beginning of the year. A successful preventative measure is to clearly explain the different kinds of bullying behavior and state that it will not be tolerated in this classroom. It is also important to tell children what to do if they are being bullied, if they see other children being bullied, or if they realize that they are bullying others: As every group of children is different, each teacher knows what procedure might be best for each class. It helps if teachers explain how “telling teachers about something important that they should know” is not always the same as “tattling.” It is critical for teachers to be open and sensitive to the needs of potential victims. Remember, a school that takes a firm and unified stand against this behavior is far more likely to prevent it! (Olweus, 1992; 1993).